*thank you and good night, thank you and good night. 2001-10-24 9:12 p.m.*

i was going to do work. i told james i was going to do work, and i sat down and finished the chapter i had been working on, and then remembered this email i'd wanted to write, and then during writing it, i remembered that the boys have journals, so i read oilly's and boomer's. (why oh why oh why can't i have more room on my favorite's list!? the bitches!). i wonder what diaryland will do to the dynamics of my friendships with them. it never really affected things with michael because we'd talk about all the stuff we posted, and besides, we'd tend to post at the same time in the same places, and say funny lines to each other. it definitely contributed to the whole jmfdm obsession, not to mention starting the heather one. and with people like alongcamea and my sexy elfmom it gave me info on their lives that i didn't know, because i never get to see them as much as i'd like. and then there are the really cool journals of people like malraux and the blackbird which pretty much opened up lines of communication that hadn't really been there before.

but like, today, when i was out with the weird elf and oilly, i was thinking about how cool they are, and how much fun it is to spend with them, and how i feel like i've really missed out with them. in a lot of ways, with that group, i've felt a lot like the girlfriend-interloper. like, i mean, i knew oilly even before i knew james, but they had all had this whole history that i hadn't been there for, and i never really felt part of things. and now james is oh so very busy and all that, and i've been pretending to be busy with my thesis, though that's really not at all happening like it should, but this past week, i've been dealing with things with as much socialization as possible. all i wanted for awhile there was hugs to comfort me and sobbing conversations about how life is so hard, but now that life is going on despite my best efforts to just give up, i'm wanting to spread joy and love and light. today at the 4 winds, i was tempted to go up to the barrista and say "cookies all around," but i had this irrational fear that there might be someone in the room that couldn't eat chocolate, and cookies are all i could conceivably pretend to afford, and i didn't want to hurt any chocolate haters feelings, so i didn't. but anyway... my point is...

people have been superimportant to me lately, and the main people i've been spending time with have been the amazing jennifer connelly and the people who i've always sort of thought of as james' friends. and i'm having this great time with them. i was reading about how to the boys it feels like the group is sort of falling apart, but see, i'm finally finding my part in it. perceptions are weird, is i guess the moral of all that.

thesis update: i've done basically nothing. i've had a few meetings with the ol' advisor, and one with professor gnome, and i've read some books that either i discovered through reading, or really just knew post-buying pre-reading, wouldn't work for the thesis. my topic idea keeps changing, and i think that's just symptomatic of how really reluctant i am of doing it at all. my discussion with prof. gnome was more about the isp i have to rewrite, than the thesis, and it just made me feel really shaky on my whole general writing ability. i just want to yell at mike, "i'm not an academic, and i don't want to be! stop trying to turn me into an academic." i want to love people and read interesting books and learn things, but i don't want to spout academic shit about books anymore. it hurts my heart. it's exhausting and unfun, and if it weren't for the people, and the fact that i know i'd kick myself in a "you're a wimp" kind of way for many years, i really keep thinking i'd leave. and it seems like everytime i try to get my ass in some sort of gear, i get kicked back on it. and writing a thesis is something that seems so unessential to my life and basically unappealing, that it seems ridiculous to me that i have to do it.

but hell, i guess i need some self-discipline. so i really will read now.

(ps. johnpowers, you suck! you are no answer man! i left that depressing entry up here for a week, so that you could read it at your liesure and give me your sage advice, and then you go and answer those 50,000 other questions. poopy on the heads of you and your posse.)

(pps. and the question of the week continues to be, can it be fair that james and i broke up, if ave and peanuthead continue their absurdly-painful-to-watch relationship?)

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*