*somebody, please make it all stop sucking so much ass! thank you and come again. 2001-10-25 1:46 p.m.*

i am sad again. again, i haven't cried, yet, but i'm feeling rather down. i was sitting in the four winds, doing work, and somehow i thought about this time over the summer when we were on the phone, and i felt so incredibly special and loved, just for being goofy me, and then about the time when we were talking online when she was at her mom's and i counted later and there were over 50 i love yous, and it just makes me feel like it's not supposed to be over. why would anyone want to give it up. it seems so just, inane, to give it up. as much as intellectually, i can see all these reasons why it needed to end, and even sometimes i feel this light, odd freedom, deep down, the whole thing just seems absolutely ridiculous. it makes absolutely no sense to me that it's over. i keep trying to digest it and make it make sense, but it won't. and i think part of that is that part of me doesn't want to accept it. like, if i accept it, i will have lost my mind like the rest of the world. if i really truly let it go, it will be a betrayal of all that is good and beautiful and true in the world.

yes, i know it wasn't working right, yes, i know there was so much hurt in it, yes i know yes i know yes i know. i just can't believe that life is supposed to suck this much.

*listening to: *
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