*ponyluv = my hero. 2001-10-18 6:09 a.m.*

it's that time of "night" where you wake up, and you turn over to go back to sleep, and then you remember and your eyes bug out, and you kind of let out a wail, and your stomach starts to hurt again, but you cat can tell and comes and curls up next to you, purring, and some of it's okay then, but most of it still isn't.

and you think it might be 3 in the morning, because that is a notoriously hard hour, but you look at the clock and it's six, and then you get "it's six in the morning, been up since three, wish i had somebody to rock me to sleep" in your head, and it really makes you desperately wish for that.

and you think about all those things that really aren't supposed to be over, it must be a mistake, and all those things that were supposed to happen that didn't, and you kind of want to yell "wimp!" at her, but more than that you want to hug her, and more than that you want it to not be true, and you start thinking about all those things that really aren't supposed to be over, it must be a mistake...

and you cry a lot and it drips down your nose sometimes, or it hits your nose and it splashes sometimes, and you keep crinkling up your face and howling, just when you think it's done, and the only reason you're howling is because your stomach is tying itself into knots and that hurts, and you look like you have really bad period cramps, the way you sit or lay like that with your knees against your chest, but it hurts physically that much anyway, and it is hard to breathe, it's really hard to breathe, and you keep forgetting to breathe, too.

and you think about all the i love yous said with such joy and you think about how you were going to sleep in a treehouse but then a tree fell on her house and you think that there's some sort of cosmic metaphor in that and you think of your 4th anniversary when you were so the cutest couple ever, and were you selfish to still have things going well on the 13th, considering the 11th, if they were going to go so downhill so quickly after that, and you get so angry at yourself for letting her go, though you couldn't figure out any better way, and besides you were studying buddhism, you shouldn't want these things, desire is bad, and really she wou;d have gone sooner if you had held her tighter, but you keep thinking that it's your fault that she couldn't handle it.

and when she was home, jennifer connelly would talk about us to her friends, and they'd ask who we were, and she would say, "they're a person and james (she'd use our real names of course). they're just a person and james. and that's how it always has been, and how it always will be, and if that's not how it is, something has gone horribly wrong in the universe." something has gone horribly wrong in the universe. i think most people would agree with that. but we were supposed to get through even the horribly wrong.

i feel dull and lustreless and soggy and my foot is asleep and my stomach is all mad from pizza that never really got to digest and my mouth tastes like a response to that anger and my nose is runny and i'm very lonely and very very sad and very much in denial that it could actually be true. it shouldn't. i was talking to a friend online last night and i kept saying things like, "it's not supposed to be over," and she would say, "no, it's not." and i'd say, "it hurts so much!" and she'd say, "yes, it does." and part of me laughed a little about it, because it felt good to have someone completely agreeing with you, however true it might be, but also really strange. this is the 3rd breakup we've comforted each other about. the first was the exish, and the 2nd was her boyfriend. who she had sort of an off again on again thing with for awhile and now they're all on again, and i love her dearly, but it pisses me off, because however unreal this feels, i think it's definitely final.

i wish we had kissed more this past month, because i don't actually remember all too well, what that was like, and i feel like that could have kept us together. we could have found our us in our kisses. that's what i mainly remember. how i felt so sure about things when we kissed. and now i don't feel sure about anything, really.

and i'm really sad, because it seems like all these couples that were doing so well are breaking up these days and i thought we were stronger, and i'm also angry at all these people with new relationships, because mine's not supposed to be over, it's the best ever, don't you remember? it's the most beautiful thing that ever happened, those things don't end.

and i could go on and on, and i'm sure i'll be back to do it, but i think this is getting absurdly long, so i'm going to end, but i wanted to talk about how friggin' cool ponyluv is! she was trying to write this grant thing last night when i told her about what happened, and so she said we should go for coffee, and we did, and it was really nice, because sometimes it was like it was a normal day and not the day that the best thing ever ended, even though there were times, and maybe she could tell and maybe she couldn't, where we would be talking about something nice and innocuous, and i would get kind of teary, because i would think of something. but yes, yay for her!

*listening to: *
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