*lasagne without v8. 2001-11-17 9:56 a.m.*

yay for having guests! and my lasagne is some good shit, yo. and yay for companies that make things that say "open this package, pop this stuff in the oven, and oh look it will be breadsticks" or companies that do the same thing with brownies. i do like making the few food items i can make for my friends. and you know, making girls satisfied...

i got a little spastic last night, which wasn't so good. i had a few of those moments where i laughed till i cried or cried till i laughed, and let me tell you, that's not so good on a full stomach. my hormones need to calm down, yo.

i didn't cry when matthew died. i haven't cried when matthew died in many years. that makes me sad. i actually haven't cried at movies in a long time. i wonder why. i used to sob at all movies, and now not so much. i don't even really get teary-eyed.

anyway... james and i hung out for an hour last night, and i think that was good, because i've been feeling sort of touchy in group situations and the one on one time was good. we talked about some really good stuff, and there was more i still wanted to talk about but we were both getting supertired.

i don't talk about it much, or really at all, but the big issue in my life right now is what to believe in. the end of the relationship really was a catalyst for this, but not at all the whole thing. i put so much of my energy and belief into it, and the fact that it ended makes me not trust a lot of my beliefs. and included in that is this trust in myself that i was starting to get, but i feel like my perceptions have been skewed. my perceptions of the goodness of the world and of people are shaken every day, and it's rough on me. but the thing is,i was talking to malraux about some stuff, and how i feel like after being so shaken up and stuff, my perceptions are like they haven't had their v8 today. everything looks off. and it scares me that maybe i started out off-kilter, and now it's in balance. my equilibrium is all off, and it scares me about the things that i do. that they're coming from such an off-balance perspective that it's hard to say what they really are, what the motives really are, etc. i feel very very wrong lately. that the world is very very different from what i thought it was, and it's wrong, and therefore i am wrong.

and this started pre-pms. i think in some ways it's starting to clear itself up now. i feel like, for better or worse, i'm not the type of person who can look at things as so dismal for so very long. but in some ways i just feel very tired and old, for a me.

*listening to: *
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