*love is a magic penny 2001-05-11 1:14 p.m.*

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you

To a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

~Leonard Cohen

I eat men like air.

~Sylvia Plath

They link my name with Jezebel. Who, really wasn�t so bad, either. I like to think

of myself as more of a Judas than a Jezebel. Judas kissed Jesus, I kissed Samson, and just

like Judas, I did it for the money.

Everyone does it for the money. Everyone does everything for money. It�s the

only real reason to do anything. What are principles, really, except a glorified way to get

money?

Money doesn�t have to be coins or shekels or dollar bills. It can be whatever you

most need. That�s what real money will pay for, anyway. Love is a magic penny.

I did it for the money.

I told him I loved him. I asked him where his strength was. We played games

with it. I always knew he was lying. It was fun that way. It was erotic to guess. To

touch him with my tongue and say, �Is this it? Is this your strength? This? This? What

about this?�

I was always curious where his strength was, even before the Phillistines asked me

to find it. It was such a part of him, I felt I could actually pinpoint it. It was nearly

tangible. So beautiful, like that spot right above the collarbone, where the flesh dips

inward. Even when I knew, even when I knew that his strength was not in that place, I

would pretend it was. I saw it there.

They asked Judas to betray his king. Judas was Christ�s most precious follower up

to then, I�m sure. They say there was a follower who Christ loved most. Some say it was

James or John. Some say it was the Magdalen. I�ve met the Magdalen, and let me tell

you, she�s really no catch. She has demons and crabs. I say his most precious follower

was Judas.

The Magdalen only did what she did for the money. Her money was demons. She

fed them her honey and they nibbled her ears. You�d see her in ecstasy by the side of the

road sometimes, her demons nibbling on her ears.

Judas only did it for the money. The money was his kiss to Jesus. It was all he

ever wanted to do, and betraying Him was his only excuse. He knew Jesus would never

allow it otherwise. Jesus wanted to be betrayed. He had to be.

I wish I could say that Samson wanted to be betrayed. But I know he really loved

the Lord. He loved the Lord more than me, and I found that beautiful and fucking

annoying at the same time. I wanted him to die so that I could have his body all to myself.

Would his body still have strength if he was dead but still had hair? I think so.

God give me strength.

I wear his hair now. I got a weave. Flesh of my flesh, hair of my hair. He is a part

of me. I give him eternal life.

He is part of me and I am still alive today. They say I died, but do you know any

archaeologists who�ve found my body? Of course not. It�s here. On me. I still have our

strength. My pinkie toe is stronger than your index finger.

My pinkie toe is sideways and deformed. It bothers me. It is my one punishment

for destroying Samson. I know he still loves me. He tells me at night. In my dreams, he

comes and tells me he loves me. �Hallelujah,� he says, �it�s better that you have my

strength. You are woman hear you roar, you�ll be my candle on the water.� And I say,

�But it�s not easy to find someone who cares it's not easy to find magic in pairs now that

you have him hold him treasure him from day to day it's so easy.�

Treasure him from day to day, Samson. Treasure your Lord. Your Lord is your

money. Your mammon. You cannot serve two masters, for there is only one, and that is

money. And God is your money. I wanted to be your money.

*listening to: *
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