*bappy hirthday. 2001-05-11 1:16 p.m.*

it has already been a pretty intensely emotional day.

i awoke to a phone call from my dad. "happy birthday, darling." "thank you." "i made hummus for you." "oh wow, thanks!" "your mom doesn't have to work today does she?" "nope." "is she visiting you?" "no." "oh, oh, i'd hoped she could bring it to you." "i'm sorry. thank you, though." "i love you. the sound of your voice makes me so happy." "i love you, too." "happy birthday. i'll let you get back to sleep."

i know he loves me. i know he doesn't forget things intentionally, and that he means well. but he fucked up when i was a kid and it's hard to forgive him for that. he chose to fuck up his life. i know that was a choice, it's a choice i've wanted to make myself. which makes me sympathetic but also which makes me hurt so deep inside that he chose fucking up his life over taking care of his family. not that whole husband taking care of the wife thing, but at least not stealing money for drugs and attempting suicide, you know?

anyway...

there was a birthday card under my door from scary spice and it was the sweetest thing in the world. it made me think of where our friendship has gone and how much i do care for the girl. she can drive me crazy, but she's pretty awesome, and it hurts my heart that we can't be as close as we once were, but i don't have the energy.

oh for boundless emotional energy. i only ever really feel guilty for wearing myself out emotionally.

i had a dream last night where it was heather's thesis show again, except this time we actually talked. i remember absolutely nothing about the conversation except at the very end she said, "see, that wasn't so bad, was it? i'm not mean." and i said, "i knew you weren't."

i went to marriott and crushgirl gave me the kermit the frog doll and it was way exciting. he is in a lotus position behind me now (and the kitten is curled up in a skirt on the floor). one of our mutual friends is having a rough day, so we comforted her, and then we all went to catnipboy's girlfriend's room and watched all the cats play. milkdud and suede and candy and my secret agent lover cat (i think mine has the best name, honestly).

i need to go figure out what i'm going to read at the beginning of creative writing today. everyone gets the opportunity to read passages at the beginning of a class, and today's my day.

*listening to: *
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