*i feel infinite. 2001-04-25 3:28 p.m.*

i used the wrong "there" (it was supposed to be "their" while talking to the passive-indie-rock-alpha-male, jmfdm. i'm not sure i can look him in the face again.

i've been going so crazy the past few days. it's been fantastic. i feel like i'm in some coming of age novel. if i say "i feel infinite," please slap me.

it's just that so much has been happening, and i dunno... school drives me crazy, but i love this place at the same time. i love the people a lot. i've been all huggy and affectionate lately, and i wonder if people think that the me has recently discovered drugs. well, i have, but i mean 2 pot brownies on one occasion, and one hit of acid on another do not a different me make. besides, my parents are hippies, i'm sure it's in my blood.

but do you ever have that thing where you feel nostalgic for the moment you're in right now? wish what you're feeling could go on like this forever? that kind of thing? that's been my life lately. i'm trying to make as much of it all as i can.

but maybe that's not the best of things. i don't want to live in the esthetic realm. not necessarily kierkegaard's definition of the religious realm, but i don't want to live solely for me. that was one of my many "deep realizations" that i had the night of the acid crackers. i was sitting there eating paper because it felt so fascinating against my tongue, and i loved it loved it loved it but i didn't want that to be my entire life. which sounds considerably less deep now. but i'm not only in this to enjoy.

though i do want to enjoy. i'm so good at this whole circle think thing. but i do want to enjoy. i tried the whole ascetic thing back in high school. it only made me feel bitter and tired and atheistic. i need to strike a balance. and i think i have, maybe. but sometimes you find yourself enjoying life so much that you ask, how can this be good for anyone else?

my other olj has been completely neglected. which is very unfortunate, because so much has happened since the 2nd of april which is when i wrote that last entry. i can't even remember it all anymore and that hurts my heart. there was the night of the acid, queer ball, b-dorm soiree, the infamous "find the joy" conversation, earth day, the open mics, the night we screamed in palm court, all those wonderful and horrible things that have made my life a life.

that's what makes sam when he was 13 so cool. he lived. he left his house, he left his books, he left the inner workings of his head and went out and lived. i don't think i actually started living until months after i got to new college. and you know, living, i recommend it.

*listening to: *
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