*new* *old* *me* *rings* *email* *host* *you* *notes* *best*
*interview* *tests*


*theological fluff 2001-04-25 7:43 p.m.*

i just whacked some beasts. and scratched my toes. a lot of both. i have this reading i need to do, and i'm really loving it. paul tillich makes me happy if for no other reason than that my minister in cambridge did a fabulous sermon citing tillich. but then at the same time i just don't want to do work. at all. i went to the winds cubed times one more wind today and sat their trying to read. but it didn't work. i love the atmosphere there but the trying to read thing never works. especially when the girl who you're getting your kitten from who just happens to be the older sister of the girl who the girl you lost your virginity to left you for (grammar much?) and she seems to really like to talk about her sister a lot. the last time i was visiting my secret agent lover cat this girl (with the cats) was talking on the phone with someone about how the girl (who i once had lots of wild and passionate sex with) was getting dicked over by her school and it just made me profoundly sad. i love that girl. i mean, like, i love the entire planet (did i mention my parents were hippies?) and she's part of that, and we were close once and it makes me sad that i'm not part of her life anymore. i just want to give her a hug. and kick her school's ass for her. *kicks local arts school's ass*

anyway... that was tangential. and i could go on a tangent about how that was tangential, but i'll continue this story and then maybe i'll do the tangent.

so yeah... tillich. makes me happy. and i find him inspiring in that way where you're like "fuck it the world sucks how come nobody sees that" and then you read this author who says, "i see it! i see it!" and you say, "boo-yah!" but then you remember that you're reading it for a class, so why should you read it? or... maybe you're scared that since this is just the intro maybe he'll go through some scary mighty-morphing into some ugly big beasty philosopher. and so you read him in 2-5 page chunks.

but yeah... so, tillich addresses the world's suckiness in his addressing the difference between theologians and philosophers. which really i think is all well and good, except i fall more in the former category, and i take all these classes with all these people in the latter category. and they think people in the former category are dumb or immature and i'm like, "hey, ultimate concern, kids." like not even that i'm sure what i believe in really. i mean, i believe in this wonderful pantheistic friendly creator divine in us all sort of being... but i don't know what faith that really falls into, or really what faith it doesn't fall into, because really i love religion, i could see myself being a christian hindu buddhist witch or whatever, if i find that i believe in all that. but the point is my classes make me feel spiritually bereft. lonely lost and friendless in the world where the grass caresses my toes in joy at its very grassness, but i have trouble seeing it because we're all so bitter and jaded here.

i talked to my current advisor about some of these concerns and his suggestion was to find what i love in my classes and run with it. he's this dry gnomish man but his last comment to me was "find the joy." which was pretty darn crazy and has the potential of turning into a new college myth. one of my other professors has already asked me if he actually said it.

so yeah, i'm perfectly willing to admit i'm a spiritual fluffball. but i'm happy. after all we all come from the goddess and to her we shall return like a drop of rain flowing to the ocean. and if that makes you feel happy and at one with the universe, why the hell not.

i wish i had some sort of spiritual advisor besides the hit or miss selection of books and classes i've been involving myself in. i miss my academic advisor so much. he's the only person i know who can make jokes about jesus and sheep and not offend anyone. it's 'cause he says it like he's teasing his best friend. it's really exciting to talk to him. he makes everything seem better. and i think he'd give me good advice. but he's at a different school right now, and so i don't feel like i can interrupt his busy schedule with one of my manifestos on the meaning of life right now. i had some good "back up options" but they're all basically through email. my minister in cambridge never wrote me after i left which was so unfortunate because we were on sort of the same wavelength. and the minister at the sarasota unitarian church doesn't quite do it for me. and the girl who used to run amnesty and who is going to seminary soon-ish seems about as busy as my advisor. i hadn't heard from her in months and months and had basically given up, but i just got an email from her which made me happy, but i don't feel comfortable with replying to it with "help me find god, please?" she knows that i'm wanting to be a uu minister and is all supportive of that, but... *sigh* and then there's the earth mother goddess, but i'm still scared of appearing too clingy and stuff and besides she's thesising.

okay, the tangent. *laughs* i'm not a very secretive person. it's way hard for me to keep anything a secret. it eats at me and drives me crazy. sometimes it's fun, though, because it's something i'm so not used to doing and it's like a challenge. and sometimes i'm shyish and socially inept at times. so that's the reason for the anonymous guestbook signing that culminated in me feeling like an insecure little shit after a few self-degrading emails to lisa frank. i really don't hate myself really at all. except when i'm around a very few people and she's one of them and i don't know why. i'm working on it. and so i'm um exposing myself to her and the world through this. i'll leave it to you to figure out who i am, but i'm not going out of my way to make it particularly difficult, just not get sued or whatever, and i think it's fun to pretend to be all sneaky (like with soren kierkegaard and his sneaky "pseudonyms." everyone in copenhagen knew who he was but he loved to pride himself on how sneaky he was. he even cited his pseudonyms in other works. that man cracks me up.), so i have a minimal amount of code names and stuff. but yeah. i really admire the people who have these and let people who know them read them, so here is my innermost soul, guys.

so now that i'm letting some of it out, it's all coming out. and it's probably swiftly becoming damn annoying. but this is not necessarily for you. this is for me. to get over my fears because hell, i'm proud of being a dork. fuck you i won't do what you tell me.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>


*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*