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*i really really really wanted to hear you read. i'm sorry. 2001-05-12 2:12 a.m.*

when i turned five, shawn and the mean tomgirls threw me a surprise birthday party. i told them i could count to one hundred. they asked me to prove it. i could i swear i could, but it seemed like it would take such a long time that i refused. so they made fun of me, so i ran home and hid in the closet.

when i turned 8, my best friend and i were trying to figure out how to faint, by walking around a lot and not breathing, and this woman walked by, with hair a lot like how mine is now. she said, "hey fatso," to me.

when i turned 11, which was supposed to be my golden birthday, i had a big sleepover. by the end of the night none of us were speaking to each other.

when i turned 13, i inexplicably flipped out when people sang happy birthday to me, and locked myself in the bathroom until everyone went home.

when i turned 15, i invited 8 people to my birthday sleepover. one showed up. my mom woke me up the next morning telling me she was going to the hospital, but not to worry, it was only kidney stones.

when i turned 17, my boyfriend broke up with me.

when i turned 20, i went out for ice cream and to 5 different playgrounds with the girl i was madly in crush with. it broke the bad birthday cycle.

i'm young and petulant. i could give a 3 year old a run for their money with my temper tantrums. i stomp around and sulk with the best of them.

and i expect too much. always too much. which is how a perfectly normal day felt like the "suckiest day ever." because i was not the center of attention, because no one's life revolved around me, because though things were pleasant, good, nice, not bad.... they were not perfect.

i stalked away from that party because i was tired of listening to myself think through the fog of cigarette smoke and drunken laughter. and now i have a purring kitten telling me the same things i was screaming at the world in my head... "pay attention to me, and i will purr for you."

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