*an entry, dammit jesus! 2001-11-10 11:47 p.m.*

sooooooooooo sad. i don't understand why at all, but i just am. sad. very very sad. a lot. i break out of it for awhile, but i get worried about that, too. i can handle life when i'm with people. the right people, though. not everyone makes me happy these days, which of course makes me feel guilty being that i'm me. and i just don't like that i can't be self-reliant in my happiness. both for myself and for the people who i keep spending all my non-grumpy time with. and still sometimes that isn't enough, and i space off at walls... but then there are those times where i laugh so hard it hurts, or i get excited about secret plots or secret universes, and it's okay again. i still wouldn't classify myself as a sad or depressed person, i'm just sad a lot more than i have been since i was in high school.

i just want to curl up in my bed. and when i curl up on my bed, i don't want to lay there and stare at the ceiling and cry, or curl up in the fetal position and cry... and i want my sleep to be good, and no more nightmares, or dreams that make me wish for something that is over, was not good for me, etc.

i need to stop puppying. i need to stop laying myself down for people i care about to the point of feeling used and worn out. and if i must take care of people so much, which i think is something that i do need to do, being that i am me, i need to demand some cuddles in return.

i feel like if young jesus were to work on me, he'd tell me i need to be held, again. the good thing about hugs is that when you hug someone else, they hug you back, but i want someone to hug me so that i can hug them back. and a really long hug, with head scratching and back rubbing, and some guiltless crying on my part.

*listening to: *
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