*meanwhile, other countries are saying that america is wallowing in self-pity. 2001-11-11 11:57 a.m.*

lots of phone calls this morning. and i'm really not awake, but i was getting restless in bed, so i got out of bed, thinking i might go back at some point for a nap.

my computer makes this weird noise when james comes online, and i don't think it makes it when anyone else comes online. my soundcard isn't working, and it's just this generic kind of "i'm-thinking-too-much" groan. it doesn't really make that noise with anyone else, either that or it does, but i don't notice, 'cause i have some weird james-dar. which has been known to happen from time to time. like the time i was in the restaurant with my mom, and really got antsy to go home, and then there was a message from her. and then, last night, i'd left my im windows open when i went to bed, and so it says when people go on and offline, and it said that she had gone offline at 11:41, and my clock said it was 11:42.

we had a really good talk online last night, and i think we may have talked through some of my residual issues, and just talking to her cheered me up out of my funk somewhat. i scared myself with some of the things i said though. it's so prototypically depressed, and it's so what i was like when i was depressed. i feel so hopeless and bitter for a me, and i keep having thoughts along the line of, "i was stupid for ever letting the world trick me into thinking it was a happy place. it lied." and what hurts is not so much that the world lied to me, but that i believed it.

but i know that my friends have not been lying to me, and even if the world is not all full of the love it usually feels like it is, there are people who send me emails that say, "know that in all the vastness of the universe, that there is someone who cares and worries for you."

*listening to: *
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