*i could jump off of this pier but i've got shit to do. 2001-09-17 11:21 a.m.*

i could be in class right now, but everything for the class is in my house, because i slept at young jesus' last night. so i am not. and i don't see myself going to my 3:30 class either. but my 7:00 one yeah. but i was dumb and drastic and scared and sad and made an appointment at parkview for tomorrow at 10, so i guess i won't be going to my 10:30 class. *shrugs*

i keep wandering around. and sometimes i'll sit down for awhile, and that works, until i start fixating and sharp objects or convenient balconies, at which point i remind myself that i am not as pointless as i feel right now, and i should really go find somewhere else to be.

my back hurts. but it's good, because it means that i have a new tattoo. the celtic cross i wore until it broke is now a part of me. and i still need to tell my mom.

i want my mommy. really bad.

but let me tell you about last night and the stars and how we told them they were all bitches and we screamed and howled and made crazy noises and kept saying that all the trees were okay and we sang random notes which became i am bliss i am bliss bliss absolute bliss i am which became now i walk in beauty beauty is before me beauty is behind me above and below me which turned into we all come from the goddess and to her we shall return like a drop of rain flowing to the ocean (and the verses i don't know) which turned into amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me i once was lost but now am found was blind but now i see twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed through many dangers toils and snares (at this point my voice broke) i have already come and grace has brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me i once was lost but now am found was blind but now i see which turned into life in the circus ain't easy but the folk on the outside don't know the tent comes up and the tent comes down and all that they say is the show and the ladies on the houses look so pretty and the LIONS ARE LOOKING REAL BAD (we screamed) and some of the clowns are happy oh and some of the clowns are sad but underneath there's another expression that the makeup isn't making life under the big top it's about freedom it's about faking there's an art to the laughter there's a science there's a lot of love and compliance there's a lot of love and compliance there's a lot of lo-oo-ove and compliance welcome to the freak show here we go welcome to the freak show here we go love love love love which turned into we shall overcome but then superjew showed up with ketchup and ecoegypteye and we talked to them and then they left and we sang some randomness and howled and things felt better but the phones in dortstein still weren't working so i used jennifer conelly's roommate's cell phone to make 8000 calls to see if james was all right all the while trying to be as unobtrusive to james as possible, and then i finally left a note at young jesus' telling him to come over, and he said that she had been fine at massage tutorial, which made me hug him so much and he let me sleep in the bed in his living room and then i woke up and wandered... and i think i should wander again.

*listening to: *
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