*i will never be a saint. 2001-09-12 12:57 p.m.*

i'm scared and tired. very very tired really. every time i sit down i decide that this would be the best place in the world to sleep right now. i have to bike home and i really don't want to. i just want to sit here, and maybe rest my head on the desk and sleep. what would be ideal (i mean, what would be ideal is if this whole thing hadn't happened, but the next best thing would be) is if i could magically appear in my house, with a working monitor, and i could go back and forth between the computer and the bed. i have an isp to do, and it's so not going to happen, because i really just want to sleep, and i can't focus, and the thing is that i don't care.

i gave blood yesterday. which makes me a hero. i didn't pass out, i didn't cry like i normally do. i just did it. i did it so i could stop thinking. i think it worked. it was not really altruistic at all.

and then we watched sliding doors which was good until the end where it hit all sorts of issues with me. i wanted to leave right when it started making me sad, but i was told it would get better, but it just kept getting worse and worse, until it finally made me cry, which i think may be the best thing it could have done for me really. but just writing about it gives me the shivers. i really think that even outside of the big events of yesterday, the end of the movie would have made me supersad. but i don't know.

but yeah, i had to just escape to somewhere after the movie, so i took a walk in the rain down to the hammock by b-dorm, and just lay there and felt the rain on my face, and prayed and sang and cried and it actually made me feel a lot better.

but in retrospect, it seems like an incredibly dumb thing to do. "while my immune system is weak, why don't i go out in the rain and then come into air conditioning, but stay in the same clothes for 2 hours." so today, i feel tired. i feel tired in that way where i wonder if my body is just giving up. if it's saying, "i hate this world. goodbye." which is ridiculous and self-centered.

i should have written yesterday, i was less self-centered yesterday. today i am self-centered and tired and worried about my stupid wall.

*listening to: *
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