*when do you suppose bravenet will come back up? 2002-03-07 3:05 p.m.*

waking up at 2:30 in the afternoon with the sensation that your head is going to try and escape out of the top of your skull is not a fun thing. and john is back and apparently is really excited about having access to his drums again so i don't want to bitch to the boy. i probably should have been up before 2:30 in the afternoon. i wonder if that would have improved or worsened the state of my head.

something i really wish had not been deleted from my entry last night was me talking about kickboxing. doing both kickboxing and yoga on the same day tends to make me feel so buff and and tough and stuff, and that was the case yesterday, but it's superweird to watch myself in the mirror when i kickbox. usually, i get a drink of water before class and wind up getting in there right after it has just started, and so i sort of sandwich myself in, and can't really see myself in th mirror. but yesterday we got their bright and early and it was a small class anyway. so i got to see myself in both of the mirrors. i had one realization that, i guess is kind of a silly thing to realize, or worry about, but i realized that when i jump and my hair bounces it looks decidedly shirley temple. i used to believe that when people did thing like flip their hair or scratch their nose a certain way it was how they wanted to present their hair flipping and nose scratching to the general public, but who practices those things in front of the mirror. those are the things that really wind up saying nothing about the person, even though they're things that you see about them all the time. in other words, i don't intend to look like shirley temple, guys. this is not my intention. in my head i am one hot sexy momma, and my hair is never curly like this. beh.

the other thing i noticed about myself is the same thing i noticed the other time i got to watch myself in the mirror. it's just how soft i look. the first time i wound up having this whole fear that i would lose that and become less of the fertile woman goddess, but yesterday it seemed grotesque and clumsy and i didn't like it. moreover i didn't like that i didn't like it, because right there is a loss of the fertile woman goddess. i don't want to feel so floppy, but i don't want to stop loving my body in order to make it tougher. it's still a good, beautiful body. though, yeah, since i've started doing all this yoga and kickboxing, i've hated looking at myself naked. and that really bothers me, because i never used to.

i'll lighten this "i am not a child and i don't want to buy into cultural ideas of what is beautiful at the expense of myself" rant and talk about the weird dumb boy who came to class. i think it was not what he expected. it wasn't what i expected at first either. definitely more of the grapevine than the actual asskicking, and i think this weirded him out. i think he felt this desire to show off that he was not a grapevine kind of boy but rather an asskicking kind of boy, and so he didn't listen to a damn word the teacher had to say. she talked about form and keeping your guard up and all that, and he just didn't. he'd kick tall and punch far, but he seemed to really not give a shit about the rest. and even those kicks and punches were so off form i was expecting him to horribly injure himself in his showiness. but he apparently didn't, but just kicked and punched around looking like so horribly awkward and wrong and boy. and then as we were walking back to jennifer connelly's room, we saw him run back and forth across the parking lot.

somewhere in this entry john has stopped playing his drums and my headache has moved into my neck. boffo! socko!

yay for sharing cookies with people. that leads to fun conversations, and perhaps maybe a time for queer ball because certain people with diaries rock that hard.

*listening to: *
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