*"up to your neck in pussy." 2002-03-26 10:41 p.m.*

bobo! diaryland ate my entry! booo!!!!!

hm... let's see...

so tomorrow, i get to see my mom! and she will be bringing a nonrusty cookpot, which is wonderful, and my mail, which is exciting, too. and she will get to see my kitten which is always a fun time. and my aunt and cousin will be there, too, which is exciting-ish. i love my aunt and i'd love to have some one on one time with her, but my cousin is so intense. he's a nearly 12 year old boy, but acts like he did when he was two. it's very frustrating, and it makes me sad to see my aunt, because he makes her seem so much older than she is.

i got to hang out with james today and watch ghost world. not entirely sure how i feel about that film. it just didn't really grab me a whole lot throughout and the end left me dissatisfied. perhaps that is the point. i feel like an ineffective film snob. nonetheless it was good to be able to spend some times with james. i feel like our time together has been weird lately, like we're far away in this way i don't like. but i think it's just one of those phases friendships go through.

i know for me, i've been feeling a lot more pissy and jaded and hypersensitive than i always tend to. i'll try and be funny and i'll say something just so bitter or judgmental and i don't like it. i feel like i'm hypercritical lately, and that certainly doesn't leave me out. i feel like... i feel like a kid in some show with a message aimed at adolescents and i'm always like bragging because really my dad's a mechanic and i'm ashamed of that. does that make sense?

and it seems unrelated but in the entry that was eaten, i wrote in the same paragraph how nothing has really excited me lately. i guess that sort of sounds like i'm an experience whore, but that's not what i mean. i just miss the way life seemed so impressive and exciting. i mean, sometimes i have to catch my breath when i see the night sky, but i feel like my tail is (hopefully temporarily) out of service. things are nice. i'm not complaining. it just seems so similar right now.

and i don't like feeling like that.

losing one's sense of wonder does not have to be a symptom of maturity.

i wonder if i could manufacture that sense of wonder back up again.

*listening to: *
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