*"you try so hard. maybe too hard. sometimes i think... i don't know..." 2002-02-11 8:22 p.m.*

i don't quite know what to do with myself these days. i feel like a constant fuckup. or i feel constantly like a fuckup. or i constantly feel like a constant fuckup. it's weird (and scary) how much my the snow-themed alcoholic beverages made me feel better about things. i think a big thing about that whole thing is just that it happened in a social atmosphere that pulled me out of myself. but up until i read that message in michael's diary about the olympics party, i was basically floating in this teary dreamlike state back and forth between my bed and my computer.

i hurt someone real bad, and i don't know how to deal with it. i feel like lately i've been walking on this weird emotional tightrope, with painful spikes at the end of my balancepole. and i keep slipping and sliding and wacking people in the face with the spikey balance pole. but whether it's on purpose or not, it's my own stupidity and ineptness that's so dangerous.

and it's a lot like cartoon cliffs, or buying things underage-- the slightest insecurity fucks it all up. i used to balance on that tightrope so well, i didn't think about it. now i'm just compensating for all my old mistakes trying so hard not to make any new ones and fucking up over and over again. i think i was so confident because i was finally doing the regular tightrope walk that is so basic to so many people, and then some hoops and things were thrown into the mix and i just don't know how to deal.

i just don't know how to deal. it was funny at first, that whole, "inept" thing-- yes, i trip over my own feet so much, yes, i'm a physical clutz, who has some problems balancing her budget and all that stuff. but now i feel like i'm inept at just living. like i need to retake the course on normal human interactions, because i'm not doing that so well. normal human interactions and conquering misery.

i hate balancing this whole protecting myself/others thing. i feel like lately i have to protect myself from myself and everyone else as well. and so frequently i get so tired from my own dangerous ineptitude that it all just seems too much.

remember when life was too much because it was beautiful? when did that stop? when did it become just too complicated and hard?

*listening to: *
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