*remember to breathe. 2002-02-10 2:03 p.m.*

i need to stop thinking. i need to run away to some magical land where my thoughts no longer exist and i can just live and not have to obsess or worry or be sad about anything, because when i obsess or worry or am sad about anything, it's always the wrong thing and it always fucks with everything else in my life.

i can't wait until i stop being so bloody tired. i hate this feeling of dragging my soul behind me, because it's too tired to stay in my body, and so it collects gravel and dust and everything. i feel like my soul looks a lot like a scraped knee these days, with little pebbles stuck in the wounds.

i'm tired of my petty jealousy and anger, and my frustrations about all the things i can't change. i'm tired of feeling like the faulty one of my friends, the one who lied to herself so well that she actually thought she was strong, and now everybody has to deal with her realizing that this strength was a lie. i imagine that they are just as delusional as i am, believing that this strength is a reality, and waiting for it to come back. except now it feels like it was all just bravado.

i want to do so little damage. i just want to stay in my room where i can't get in anyone's way or say anything mean or do anything wrong. thank god for credit card debt, because i don't want to leave that behind me, and maybe by the time it's gone i will like myself again.

i've been fighting the self-destructive urges. i gave in for awhile, there, but now i am battling again. i clench my fists by my sides, and hold myself and breathe as well as i can. everyday i sit and wonder why i am this person, and everyday i try to find some meaning in my life, and even though i am finding no answers, perhaps the quest is a good thing. perhaps it means i have not given up.

this entry was supposed to be about the fun of my wall and how fabulous it was and how beautiful everyone looked, and some about paul cebar and the milwaukeeans, and the dream i had, and the crushes i have, and the guilt i feel about having crushes, because i feel like my life is so fucked up and i shouldn't want to subject anyone else to that, but i had gotten that far in my thoughts when i started the entry, so i guess it's cyclical.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*