*thinknesses. 2002-02-20 11:50 p.m.*

"come on kids let's all hold hands and pretend we're having a good time," is what ani is singing at me right now.

i don't know why i'm posting. i really liked my post about the night of fun and wanted to leave it up there for awhile. last night was such a good time. michael had a funny quote about it today, something along the lines of, "it was great because everyone seemed to be genuinely enjoying each other's company. that's so rare these days. usually everyone's being annoyed by somebody." it's true.

but i'm having one of those nights where i'm superexicited to just be in my room with my vintage store nightgown and goodwill robe (the combination of the two truly making me look like the crazy lady next door) and my kitten and a book, but where i can't focus on the book enough, really. so many nights of excitement make it hard for me to chill in the way that i'd like to, in the way i'd sort of missed.

today was busy-ish. i did yoga and kickboxing and ran around again figuring out what kinds of things need to be done for queer ball and the open mic. apparently b-dorm soiree is the same night as the open mic i've already put in the forms for, which was kind of frustrating, but then i realized that that might be kind of a fun way to figure out who your date is-- "he'll be reading a poem about a flower, and you have to wear a flower" or some such nonsense. i don't know. and yes, my fears have been confirmed, there was no space blocked off on the wall signups for queer ball, because no one had made any plans for it, which means that in order for queer ball to exist, it has to cut into someone's wall. i talked to the girl in charge of pride symposium this year and she has no date specifically planned, but was shooting for "mid-april." i took note of who has walls around that time, and now i get to go beg and plead people to be so kind as to let their wall-tapes be the music for queer ball. they kind of want queer ball and the drag show to be two different events, but i don't know how i feel about that.

but yeah. now i am yawning. i bet i will have to close my eyes soon after i curl back up with the book. grar. well, then maybe when i wake up i'll have all kinds of reading energy.

jim morrison wants me to love him two times, he's going away. he was one sexy boy, i have to admit it. i don't think i'd really actually like to have sex with him, but he's nice. mmm.... sex.... i miss it. and cuddling. and kissingness. these things are good things. i've been thinking about relationships again a little bit lately. about how they've worked for me and not, and how sometimes i feel like james is truly the most baffling person i've ever met, and how maybe that's what happens when you know someone really well. i mean, it's hard enough to sort your own brain and self out, i guess it follows that the more you know a person the more puzzling they are. it kind of scares me. like, i feel like somehow the knowing her backfired and turned into some strange not-knowingness and now we have become enigmas to each other. it just makes the idea of starting something with anyone seem so daunting. michael and i were talking the other day about how the idea of sex appeals until you really start thinking about it, and then it just seems so... weird... or complicated... or something. i don't know. i'd like a girly, but all of my crushes do seem mildly half-assed, or an unencouraging amount of unattainability. or not even unattainability... i don't know. crushes on 1st-years seem so surreal to me. like, well, i know i'm really 5, but my crushes usually imply admiration, and i mean... well, this is all sounding very invalidating to first years as a general population, but yeah... it's weird to "admire" people who are 4 years younger than me. i was so little last year. of course then it all goes back to james, who is and always has been so much older than me, even if she's younger in years.

yeah, i do have fun and play and do all these things that keep me out of my head, but thoughts do happen and i store them, and in the free moments, the numberless potty breaks, things like that, i gnaw at them.

but i mean, i guess i should be puzzled. life is a mystery. everyone must stand alone....

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*