*if the sun refused to shine, i would still be loving you. 2001-06-05 8:49 p.m.*

"mother mary china white..."

on a tori kick. not sure why. they usually happen when i'm sad and i want someone to hold my hand in my walk through sad. or sometimes when i'm feeling really sexy i'll put on certain songs. after england, i was so excited to be able to listen to all my tori cd's again after being away from a cd player for so long (i brought at least 100 cd's with me, and a portable cd player. i brought my batteries and a recharger, but the recharger wouldn't fit in the adapter, and the cd player guzzled cd's. the man i rented my room from kept a cd player in his room, and some nights when i knew he wouldn't be around i used it, but i always felt weird. the only times i ever heard him use it was for the radio, and one night he played the celine dion song from the titanic on repeat for a few house. but yeah, didn't get to listen to my music much at all.), but when i put her on, i actually was a bit annoyed. her voice sounded whinier and more grating than it had, and i could only listen to it in small doses. i felt so annoyed with myself, because i mean, i still love her lyrics and what she does with music otherwise, but she kind of annoyed me. i did my first independent study project on her at new college, so you can see the depth of my previous obsession. i felt like i was betraying a younger me. anyway, sometimes i do hit a tori mood. but a lot of the time last semester, if i got into a tori mood, it just made me kind of sad. the last cd i got from her before i went to england was the crucify single, and i had listened to it once before i got the email from the exish about how she'd met this other girl. and ironically enough, the girl has the same name as one of the songs. so the whole cd strikes me as weird now. i hate that i feel like this. it makes me think of my dad who flips through the radio stations like mad because of the emotional baggage with so many of the songs. but i think i'm doing better, for at least today, because i've been listening to a lot of the songs that usually make me want to throw myself on the bed and weep, and they still have emotional import, but in a more reflective than ouchy way.

part of me is listening for the tori song that will make it onto the mix tape that is playing through my brain. if i work at target i'm totally investing in a cd/tape player just for mix tapes. i'm sick of living with non-working tape recorders. a lot of people have been talking in their entries about the soundtracks to their lives. i've made a few mix tapes of that, i think the last one was in high school. but i definitely think the 2 piano pieces she did, "over it" and "all the girls hate her," would be great for the movie that will be made about me. (claire danes will play me. ps, i think angelina or fairuza should play violet, and claire or clea should play claire if they ever make a violet and claire movie)

okay, i'm gritting my teeth and playing the damn cd.

anyway... dad called tonight. and we had a nice conversation. if he's in a good mood, and you want to hear the same 5 stories he told last time, and not tell him anything about what's going on in your life, unless you want to get cut off, he's not so bad to talk to. he says he's going to bring the little guitar back that he gave me when i was 9, so that's good. at least he still has it and hasn't pawned it. he pawned his drums, and that was the last time mom gave him money, to get them back, because we just couldn't handle the idea of him without his drums.

"i met a cat named easter he said when you gonna learn you're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird."

today i cut out all kinds of fun t shirt and bumper sticker designs from the northern star catalogues. i usually cut stuff out for letters and stuff, but i have this silly idea of drawing myself a vw bug and putting all the bumper stickers on it. the only reason i'd ever want to drive is for bumper stickers and the ability to blast my own music from my car. it's crazy how sometimes bumper stickers make me want to drive so much.

got my period today, woo-ha. wearing maroon underwear so no big deal. crampy, though, which bites. rar.

now "winter"'s on, and it makes me think of the percussion remix of it. i love that. it sounds all tribal and stuff. it also kind of reminds me of this tape dad recorded for me "bach on wood." in typical dad style, immediately after the last song, jimi hendrix starts playing the national anthem, which is always a jarring awakening. i actually don't know where the tape is. that would be nice to listen to.

so, my bed is covered with books. i've been sleeping like that. for awhile, in a weird way it made me feel less lonely, but now i honestly don't know where to put them. i just got out all the old diaries, so they're there too. i have a half-filled uly green flowery one, the one that came as a free gift from especially for girls, another flowery one, a half-filled kitten one that my mom gave me from a garage sale and i never felt right writing in, one with a mary englebreit cover and a proust quote, an animalia journal, 2 velvet covered ones, an anne of green gables little brown notebook that booter gave me, my first year, a dr seuss journal from the snoopy lover, 2 faerie ones, one half-filled, a cat with a computer mouse in his mouth, and the one michael made for me. and the one that i had been transcribing but i'm not sure where it is.

why do i like listing so much? it's not ocd, i know that.

"... you can't say we never tried..."

it's okay though. i've got a little weird pit of my stomach gurgliness but i think it's okay. i think it's just the irony of the whole situation with getting the cd and everything that makes the song weird.

my dad cheated on my mom with a local folk musician. sometimes you see her name in the west coast woman or the arts section of the paper. before i knew what had happened, i once asked my mom to take me to see her. after that happened, i got hypersensitive about the whole thing. her name is also the name of the girl in a sitcom that involved robin williams, a man eerily like my father (except my dad has kelsey grammars forehead), and i wasn't allowed to watch that. her name is also song in the theme song to animaniacs, another of my favorite shows, and whenever it got to that part, i'd have a loud coughing fit. once i made the mistake of coughing right around it and the name just glared out at me, and i felt horrible about it."

"with the lights out it's less dangerous..."

i love this cover. i particularly love it the way she does it since kurt cobain died. she sings part of american pie before launching into it. madonna slaughters american pie, but tori does good things. i hear that don maclean is flattered about madonna's version. i wonder if he's heard tori's.

"a mosquito, my libido."

i feel like this has been one of my more boring and nonsequiter (sp?) entries. apologies. sadness that i'm having a down writing day right after the night i became the diaryring whore. i think i joined at least 20 last night. remind me to keep off the crack. thanks.

"my inspiration, that's what you are to me."

this song doesn't hurt at all. maybe it'll go on the mix tape. it's for my rock star girlfriend after all.

*listening to: *
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