*the early sultry spring of my discontent. 2002-04-08 1:08 a.m.*

hold my hand and let me out. let me scream and scream and scream and shudder and fall and kick my legs and scream some more. for no reason other than my skin is too tight tonight. my soul does not feel free of me. i feel itchy and gloomy and trapped. i want to run away tonight. i want to put my kitten over my shoulder and leave. leave the physical messes i've created and that others have created and that i live in. leave the psychological messes that still feel tangly. my gag reflex is strong tonight, the air is not a food. it's more than my body can handle tonight. it is thick and choke-y.

let me dive in the ocean and swim in circles until my life is back in perspective. let me dive in and find treasures. give me eyes to see treasures.

let me find the moment that my cat is in right now. django plays "beyond the sea" and she rubs her head against my backpack like it is the be all and end all of life.

when was the last time i could see beauty? i have not been unhappy, i've been satisfied, but i don't like what i've been satisfied with. this day is not the life i wanted.

let me dive and twirl and find and seek and splash and play and tease.

take my hand and kiss it and run with me. and we will grow sharp tearing teeth and crawl up in trees and hide and run. we will be wild. we will not be domesticated.

roll down hills with me. dance me into your arms. trace my wings into existence. teach me to fly your way and you can learn to fly mine and let's invent a new form of flight while we're at it.

let me in. let me out. come out and play with me. come inside and warm your hands.

scratch my itches.

*listening to: *
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