*'cause you can put perfume on a pile of shit but it's still gonna stink when you step in it. 2001-12-08 11:20 p.m.*

i think i will go to bed. still haven't actually started writing the buddhism paper, but i've done all the reading. forming a few ideas. i'm thinking if i go to bed now, i'll get enough sleep to get up early-ish and write it. i'm really not in any sort of state to write right now. i was thinking of napping all afternoon, but it didn't happen. i was hoping to catch james online again, to see how she has been since our conversation, and because i wanted to make sure that as far as she was concerned church really isn't going to happen tomorrow. really, that's for the best because i have paperness to do and maybe we would hit each other, but i have been feeling this church desire for a long time. and maybe with the talking, some resolution could have happened on the way to, at, or after church. but i should use every moment of tomorrow on paperness.

i feel something akin to that exhausted and drained freedom that i felt when we broke up. i finally told her a lot about how i was feeling, and now i'm mainly just afraid that we'll decide that talking is a bad idea for awhile. i'm thinking that break is a good break for us (though maybe communication should happen, still). i'm also afraid that things i said were really hurtful, but it's just that case of carrying around little feelings until they turn big and bad and yucked out and it would have just gotten worse if i hadn't brought it up, and it was brought up from caring, but it was still a rough time. sometimes, i wish i could hate her with everything i have just so that we could break off entirely and heal separately and never bash heads, but as much as he thinks i do, i can't even hate bruby, and james is too important to me to even dislike for more than a few minutes at a time and those minutes are really rough on me because the dislike is just my ego ramming into love, and the love recognizes this.

how did it all... everything... turn into all of this?

*listening to: *
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