*the world is SO not at my command 2001-12-08 2:52 p.m.*

so the last thing i really remember about the yellow submarine last night, before curling up with my head on jennifer connelly's lap was the nowhere man sitting on the record player, spinning around backwards, and deciding that was me. and i thought boys don't cry was a depressing movie.

i have not been too keen on myself of late. i think you all, and anyone who spends a good bit of time with me will realize that. and it's this horrible "damn it i hate me, of course everyone will hate me if they spend time around me but i don't want to be alone but i feel horribly guilty for subjecting all my friends to me but why can't they make me feel better" kind of thing.

and i feel like a horrible cat mom because while i was gone last night, my kitten vommitted and diarrheaed all over the floor.

and i feel like a horrible ex-girlfriend, because i can't stop blaming myself for james' sad since it's so much less now that we broke up.

and i feel like a mooch for using jennifer connelly's floor last night to sleep on, and i feel hyperdramatic for the fit i threw at the backwards and ugly party last night (what is it about backwards and ugly parties for me), and i feel like i'm horrible with my self-pity for sitting around on the floor with a sad expression throughout the delicious dort 302 christmas party, and i can't be gentle with myself, and i can't be pleasant to be around, and i can't cheer up, and i can't stop apologizing, and i can't stop feeling like a failure at life.

and meanwhile every day i discover new ways in which the world is harsh and cruel and unpleasant and i am ineffective at changing it. and i no longer feel like accepting the universe. give me some backdoor where i can emerge into a place where the world doesn't suck and i am not this horrible me.

*listening to: *
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