*and welcomes little fishies in with gently smiling jaws. ( or "when faced with my demons, i clothe them and feed them, and i'll smile, yes i'll smile, as they're taking me over") 2002-06-17 1:48 p.m.*

holidays do such weird things to me. holidays from school, i mean. this is my treatise on the weirdness of vacations, not days such as yesterday, which was father's day, when i couldn't get ahold of my father.

i get so weirdly antisocial and yet at the same time quite lonely. it's high school all over again, this is who i was. didn't talk to people, but when i did i was so hungry for them, and yet, determined to be able to be okay without them. i got the creative writing award in school, because i was starved for self-expression but was unable to actually talk to people.

the zine is plugging along smashingly. so much going on in my head, and the outlet of real conversation is not there. i've been writing letters too. letters to friends and zinesters and long lost pen friends, with my weird convoluted thoughts.

and those weird convoluted thoughts are why i don't want to go out and actually talk to real flesh and blood people. because i've spent so long conversing with myself, i'm not so certain i could do it with someone else. other people don't think like me. and really, i love the socialness, i know that, but right now it doesn't feel like it's worth the effort. i talk to people at work and my housemates, and i reach out with my letters and journal entries to the outside world, but otherwise, you've got to come to me.

in a month, i'm going to a wedding (because apparently everyone in the world is getting married these days. i also got asked to be an usher in another friend's wedding in august 2003) in wisconsin. i love my wisconsin people, AND michael's there, so i might get to see her, and in theory i'm excited about it, but i keep feeling like i'd rather just hole up in my aunt's basement or sit by my grandparent's lake, thanks.

meanwhile, i want to see my mom. i want to see my mom so much. we're going to get together either today or thursday, to buy a dress for me for the wedding. i can't wait. i don't even know what it is so much that makes me want to see her, but i do. it's not even that i think she'd "understand" me more than these other people. maybe it's just the familiarity. she's been around through so many of my moods, and we've driven each other mad, but... she's familiar. and she's my mom! and i love her! and i love you all too, and all my friends in wisconsin, but you see, i'm terrified of all of you right now. it's pure antisocial fear going on here. i'd rather live vicariously through any of these books than do it myself.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*