*just like so many times before. 2002-06-19 2:52 a.m.*

*sigh* i'm a little sad tonight. i think i've been pushing off whatever this is as a self-defense mechanism, because it's quite likely vicious and cruel. the summer grumblies seem to have set in, and i feel like i can't talk to anyone without some sort of complaint coming out of my mouth. i feel sour and anxious and all those things that hit me in the summer. and it's all just flying so quickly. 2 days of work, a day off, 2 days of work, 2 days off, 2 days of work, a day off, 2 days of work, 2 days off. those small chunks make each bit so easily swallowable that i don't know where they go. i have plans for my days off, but they speed by so quickly, i miss them, i have plans for the time around work, but it goes by, too. i feel like i'm on some psychic treadmill, watching my summer fly past, feeling like i'm not going anywhere. is this what life will be like? someone at work told me today that it was. it made me wanto to shut myself in a room and cry and rage and say, "no, life will not do this to me!" but it is, and i'm tired and whiney and grumpy. and that lonely anti-socialness that i wrote about last time. i've had long drawn out conversations with all of you this summer, where we were witty, insightful, etc., but they were all in my head. it's all in my friggin' head. let me out of here. i'm tired and i miss you.

*listening to: *
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