*shin stress fractures. 2002-03-12 3:49 p.m.*

all i really know is what makes me sad and what makes me happy. once it comes down to the reasoning or the propriety of my emotions, i get lost. i get lost in my head trying to figure out my heart.

it's hard to be this lost in my head. to never be exactly sure if i'm dealing with this life thing okay. to ask people if i'm normal, because i sure as hell don't feel like i am.

because some people say one thing, and some people say another thing, and there are people i will believe and people i won't believe, and why do i trust them if i don't trust myself.

because they've done okay, thus far, haven't they?

and then just when someone has convinced me that i'm completely wrong, i find out that there are people out there who believe what i believed before, and think this other person's opinions are a little off.

and so here i am, trapped in decision land again. and the people who are more acquainted with what i want than they are with me, confirm all of my fears. and the people who are more acquainted with me, confirm all my dreams.

and i just want to be brave. i want to know my own mind enough to not have to rely on these so very different people.

because i may have been right all along in the first place.

*listening to: *
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