*i run off where the drifts get deeper sleeping beauty trips me with a frown. 2001-05-26 10:13 p.m.*

things have gone from bad to worse. i was energized for awhile there, listening to the soundtrack for grosse pointe blank at maximum volume. and then without thinking, when that was over, i put on little earthquakes, and the "i want to curl up in bed and drift in and out of consciousness please thanks" is back. kitten is curled up in my lap, chewing on my arm. she's been occupying herself with all the various and sundry things that have been all over my room as i've packed. she has this thing for plastic bags that worries me.

i don't want to be doing anything right now, so i have my hands to the keys and am pouring out every thought i have so that i'm doing something because if i stop i'll stop and i don't have time to stop.

kitten is asleep and where're those angels when you need them?

i have snyder's honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces on my desk and sometimes i stop and eat them because they seem to fill a hole. they do not. i am not hungry, just avoidant.

i wish i had someone here with me to watch me pack, so i can tell them stories about all these things i own. all these holiday pez dispensers still in their wrappers, all these england photos, all these food items i'd forgotten i'd had, all these books. i found the old lunchbox and it made me think about how it was such a part of me for almost 2 years. with all its stickers and all the things i used to carry in it. the handle broke in england. it had been falling apart, but that was really the end of its usefulness. which is why i bought the rainbow bag at that exciting store the night buttercup and i went out to eat at the restaurant i had vegetarian bangers and mash at. i also bought the fish beads that i sewed on it, though i can't sew, at the same store. and that's a story right there. but the lunchbox brings back so many memories.

i am a silly sentimental girl. so what.

after i wrote my last entry i looked for patrick hippy, went to shell and bought garbage bags for packing and an icy cold beverage and talked to shirtless boy who doesn't go here (but who has a sister who transferred out). i love that boy and i love his sister. i'm glad i finally have her email address. i wonder where i put it. i wonder where i put my food card wallet-esque thing with my key in it. that would be good to know.

anyway, then i came back to my room and talked to my mom on the phone, put on the new college cd and zonked out. the last thing i remember before sleeping was the cover of abba's "supertrooper" which cracked me up. it reminds me of spook (her real name), aka the hottest girl ever (sorry james). i saw her at this gay club in london when i was there with buttercup and i just got all flushed and embarassed and everything, looking at her. i thought she could totally tell i was drooling all over her. she was so confident and self-assured, shining when she danced, surrounded by her entourage of dancing gay boys. we went back another time and i decided i was going to talk to her. it took me until it looked like she was going to leave to go over and talk to her. "i'm american and i'm going home in a few days, but i just have to tell you i think you're really beautiful." she smiled and she hugged me and kissed my cheek and i thought i was going to melt through the floor. she told me her name was spook. she told buttercup to keep her updated on what i was doing over here. and then she was gone. and i thought about her smile for nights and nights. anyway... one of the songs that she danced to in that way that she had of dancing was "supertrooper" (covered by abba teens in that instance) which sounds so silly, but the song still does make my heart go all fluttery.

*sneezes*

i slept, but in that way where i don't even know if it was sleep so much as a plunging beneath consciousness, as an avoidance/self-defense mechanism. i kept waking up and trying to tell myself to get out of bed, but i couldn't do it. i was laying there telling myself i should get out of bed and wishing michael and refreaka were here to talk to me when someone knocked on the door and it was them. and then the phone rang and it was james. it was good to talk to her. and it got me to get out of bed. and i made soup and ate it and started to pack, but now i am discourages again. who told me i could own all this stuff and make such a big mess of it over the school year?

and now it is "winter" and do you think that makes me want to do anything? i think i will eat pretzel pieces and look sad.

*listening to: *
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