*kitten tried to rip my face off last night, btw. 2001-11-06 10:27 p.m.*

i was told today that i'm supposed to write happier entries. i'm torn between gladness at the concern, and frustration at the idea that i am seen as a person who's supposed to be happy all the time. i mean, i know that i'm not actually viewed as an entirely onesided human being and that my friends are willing to be there for my full range of emotions, but i can't help but feel like in my sad i'm being somehow disappointing. part of what has been bringing on the sad (though by no means all of it) is my inability to rainbow sprinkle enough people's lives, or people's lives enough.

i wonder if the reasoning behind the early church's prohibition on women in the ministry was some mix of very antiquated and very modern ideas. the old school idea that women are "nurturers" and "too emotional," mixed with the newer idea that they might burn themselves out too much on that.

if i could just bloody stop caring about things...

then i guess i just wouldn't be me.

*listening to: *
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