*And I've lost the line between right or wrong I just want to find the place where I belong 2001-11-06 4:36 p.m.*

i am very very tired and sad. so tired and sad that i spent a (50-minute) hour talking to my counselor about it. i basically sat down, started crying, and didn't stop crying until i got up to leave. i feel like i might start up again any minute now, really.

and after all that, now i'm starting to even wonder why i was so very very desolately sad. so i guess that's a good thing.

good trick: when i start to obsess about something, look at the options, decide if it's possible to figure out which is better, if not, try and let it be, if so, decide what i would get out of figuring it out, and how either of the options will affect things.

example: do i need to be sad or am i wallowing? not sure if i could figure it out, and if i need to be sad than i will get through it, and if i'm wallowing, i'm still not going to change my behavior, so i should let myself be sad, because obsessing over it is going to just make me angry with myself.

that whole thing made much more sense when we talked about it, and in my head.

i could go home now if i didn't have an amnesty meeting at 7:30. rar to that. i got all excited earlier because i'd wanted to get a massage at the massage clinic tonight, but then james offered to give me a massage, and so i thought i'd get to go home before it got dark, but with amnesty, no such luck. this will not make me nauseous with disappointment. this will not make me nauseous with disappointment.

but yeah, the massage from james was sooooo good. floor work is my friend, my very good friend. and it's nice to have someone who knows how my body works, and she's just good in general. i felt all glowy afterwards, even throughout orientalism. basically until i sat down at my counselors and started talking about how sad i've been.

*listening to: *
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