*ack! i'm missing the 10:00 friends! 2001-11-07 10:07 p.m.*

boomer just left. i'm not entirely sure how long he was over, but it was nice. i love having visitors. i think that might be part of my reasoning for not cleaning my room is "what's the point? no one but me is going to see it."

i had to show him all my various toys, and i feel like i was acting sort of spastic at first, but very few people have visited me at my house. and then we sat around downstairs and talked for a good long time.

i'm glad to know the people i know. and i'm glad that i'm getting to know people like oilly and boomer and laurel tree better this year. because they're fun and they're good to talk to. i wish that michael and i hung out more this year, though, because we were so close for two years, and it's not like we have bad times at all when we're together, but they're just rare. and best friend and i never ever ever see each other. *sigh* sometimes change sucks my ass.

i keep running head on into sad lately. like, i was hanging out with james in the 4 winds today, and at one point, mid-conversation, i just got really sad, and i had to just contemplatively stare at the wall and ponder life's suckiness. and that mood never entirely left. i peed 5 times during the hour and a half or so i was there, and one of those times, i just sat on the toilet and sobbed. and it felt so random, because it was no particularly thought that made me cry, i just hade to cry right then. and i left the 4 winds in a kind of post-nap depressive funk and cried a little bit on that walk, too, but i ran into oilly and boomer, and the 3 of us hung out till i got my ride home and then boomer and i talked. and like, it was nice hanging out with james, and it was nice watching that show with hallucino-jenny with boomer and oilly and #1 and weirdelf, and it was nice hanging out with boomer, but through it all, i just have this gray cloud that refuses to completely disapate. i don't know what it's coming from, and i keep trying to place it, but none of the reasons really feel right. i know i'm still not completely over james, but i don't think it's just me missing things that makes me cry so hard. and i know that it hurts me to see my friends so worn out from the ave thing, but i don't think that's it, either. maybe it's just my general feeling of displacement. that everything that used to feel so sure and important is gone or different now. i think right now my big struggle with the end of the relationship is just that it was something that was such a big priority in my life, and with it gone, i feel lost, and there's nothing i want to put in that spot, because it's still sort of raw, and so there's a floaty-ness coming from that. and then there's the floaty-ness of just the world's general gone-to-hell-ness, and how unsecure, but unreal, all this feels. and even part of it could be that i just don't bloody feel like a fourth year.

i guess i will just let myself feel this sad until i drive myself completely batty with it. because it must be clinging to me so hard for a reason.

*listening to: *
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