*i owe my life to the people that i love. 2001-12-07 1:03 p.m.*

i so don't want to go to orientalism today. i just want to sit in the sun with the girls and not study and just talk about nothings and have comfy silences. i think that would make today a worthwhile day.

in the next week i have to write my buddhism paper, do my greek final, and do the annotated bibliography for my thesis tutorial. and then the semester from hell will officially be done. james says she can't really envision it ever being over, and perhaps that's why i'm taking so long to do these last things. as much as i want the whole damn thing to be over, perhaps part of me thinks that i need to exist in this state forever. and there's this feeling that this semester has had it's quota of tragedies, and so if it goes on, life will be calm, but if a new semester might have it's own perils.

or maybe i'm just a slacker.

i've felt so sick for days now. usually about an hour after i eat, i get this abdominal cramping that goes on for about an hour, on and off. not a happy scene. i think it's just that i've been having too much dairy. but it makes me feel so gross and unhappy.

i've been thinking about food a lot lately. not like, "oh damn i could have a burrito right now" but more along the lines of "how weird is my relationship with food these days?" the abdominal cramping and the sad and my recent discovery of the pro-anorexia presence on the web are all just weirding me out about food.

yeah, so i was at livejournal, looking up people who list new college as an interest, and there's a girl who wants to transfer here who belongs to the pro anorexia community. the whole thing really depressed me about the state of the world. that whole "people are starving because our government is dumb, and people are starving because they bloody want to" kind of thing. it pissed me off at the same time that i could understand where they were coming from. which is why i shouldn't have looked at it at all. it's times when i'm really low like this that i crave hunger. it scares me.

and then there's this cycle of me saying well, you're not exactly thin, perhaps hunger would be good for you. you eat too much bad food while people starve. and then there's the part of me that really does love my body and doesn't think i should change.

but it turns into saccharine when i am sad like this.

this entry was not meant to be about all this. it was meant to be about good times at el greco, weirdly emotional times at the beach, stuff like that, and the people i love dearly who i spent those times with. and this palmer a trip was not supposed to be about writing in my journal, but it's too bloody cold in here to do anything so still as reading articles online. i have to keep my fingers moving or i swear to you they will turn blue.

i want to have some really good fun time before break happens. last night was good, but i had some weird moments at the beach. sometimes this ridiculous rage just comes up, and i don't know where to put it at all. i see it as it gets filtered out to all the wrong places and it scares me.

the more the world scares me, the more i scare myself, is what i think we're getting to here.

oh, and i have absolutely no sex drive. which if you know me at all, is seriously weird. i don't know where it went. i have no makeout drive, no nothin'. i do have a relationship drive, a finding cute girls drive, but in this way where it's pretty abortive. i see a cute girl, think "oh, how nice," consider crushing on them, decide it's not worth the effort, and have daydreams about how much more worth the effort it would be if i was anywhere but here. everything seems much more worth the effort when imagined in an environment other than sarasota. i'm feeling very escapist these days. escapist and tired.

but i want to take all my friends with me when i escape. i can't figure out if that's my salvation or the root of my problem.

*listening to: *
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