*mm + cm 4eva! 2002-04-14 3:07 a.m.*

i don't know where to start. i have a lot of strains of things going on in my head and so much of it i can't talk about and so much of it i don't want to talk about i don't want to think about i don't want i don't want.

i come home, about ready to punch the walls in my rage, wishing to have someone to share my rage or at least hold me while these sobs shake my body (someone to feel how small it's getting, every day i get smaller) while i curse and kick at the air, and i don't know why you were suddenly there for me in this way we've both been afraid of, but there you were, touching my ouchies in this way where i feel understood, because that was so much part of it. as i sulked down the road, one of my trains of thought was how i feel so separate from people how no one quite gets me right now and then there you were and i know now that all you could have done was watch me rage and even if you heard it all it would be only as understood as it is right now, but it was just nice to have someone jump the gun on my sad and be there to catch me.

and then suddenly you were there, a different you, and you said what i was thinking, the things i didn't think you'd seen or felt, the thickness in the air, my need to run, you sensed it, and that too, that feeling of being understood and sympathized with was exactly what i needed.

oh how i love my 3 headed monster girls.

and my heart is soothing, but i still have this undeniable rage behind it all.

i walked across palm court from ham center to 3rd court, alternately drinking water and peeing for nearly an hour before working up the courage to walk home. i knew it would be a bad idea, in my black velvet tanktop (since everyone in a black velvet tanktop is a prostitute), but i didn't know that i would get honked at 6 different times, yelled at 3 times, and have 1 car turn around and slow down beside me 3 times, and 2 other cars do the same thing 1 time each. i didn't know that. i thought pressing my face against the glass of the mirror in the handicapped stall to cool my nerves after staring myself down for 15 minutes was a bad idea. walking home at 2:30 am bareshouldered, way worse.

i went to the democracy rising event in the sundome, and saw michael moore speak and ralph nader speak and patti smith sing and iris dement sing and people i don't know talk and it made me feel powerful for a moment. on the way there, blackbird and i vented our anger at people who don't care and how events like this tend to tire us with how much we see needs to be done and we leave with a feeling of helpless anger, but no, this time, i was feeling the joy, i was empowered, we won't let the bastards get us down, all that wonderful stuff. all these feelings of lostness were gone for a few hours, and i felt more myself in a lot of ways, than i have in at least 6 months.

but then i found myself lost on campus. i saw bobentele's kittens which was way exciting, but somewhere in the time it took for me to get from palm court to her door, laurel tree's light went out, and after wandering around for a bit of time around campus, i went and visited jennifer connelly, only to find her one roommate being negative with the boy and i just couldn't handle it. i had to get out. i had to find my ideals again. except apparently they are so shaky these days that i still can't find them. which is what brought me to the ham center bathroom, staring myself down, trying to find the me in me.

people keep asking me how i am and when i say i am okay they say are you sure and i have to think and i fucking don't know. i feel like i'm okay. i'm functional. i don't cry much. but i'm so dissatisfied with where my life is right now. my bobo job my bobo bills my bobo boredom (sort of like su sussudio, but less fun), the way i can't look at myself because i'm afraid of what i'll see. i live in a state of constant self-examination, and yes, i am often to picky, but rarely am i afraid to turn my eyes inward for what i might find, but these days, these days i just don't want to go there. i feel emotionally off and uncertain and uncentered and i don't know what it means. i don't want to look. don't make me look.

but the thing is is that i don't know what it is i am afraid of. it's just this vague avoidant feeling. i don't want to open the door because i don't know what's in there and i'm not sure i want to know.

i don't want to hatch again. that's what these things feel like. i've peeled so many layers of myself off i'm not sure if there's going to be anything underneath this time. and i don't want to do this here. i want to be in a place where i can do things other than lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling and wander around like i have no home because i don't want to be in the home i live in and go to my job that makes me want to have no soul.

so yeah, the issues of the evening are lumped into a few broad categories. 1)i care about things. 2) i care too much about things. 3) they piss me off. 4) people who don't care piss me off. 5) i feel misunderstood by most people, and not fully understood by anyone (which when put into those words sounds utterly adolescent and normal, but yo, it's frustrating, hear me out!). 6) i should be in a state of growth right now. 7) but i don't wanna.

and that's my brain in a nutshell right now. so if you ask me how i am and you get a puzzled look, that's why.

*listening to: *
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