*if ya get an itch attack i'll be there to scratch your back (fievel) 2002-04-14 8:27 p.m.*

sometimes i really feel like i have the best and truest friends ever. i should probably think that more often, but i mean, who is ever as appreciated as they should be (this sounds like i'm thinking, "i love my friends because they appreciate me" which yes, is true, but i actually meant, "why don't i appreciate my friends more?"). but then suddenly you have this day where you feel the love coming from all angles and you realize just how wonderful these people are and maybe they'll be there while you get your shit together.

aren't i always getting my shit together? why is this such a constant painful process for me? is it that i'm not quite 22, or am i always going to be this confused by life and myself?

tomorrow i'm hoping certain things will be cleared up. but i'm having this horrible feeling that it will just make everything worse, just like everything has been making things worse, and people angrier. in this way i do feel underappreciated, just because i'm doing something because i care, but that makes me the bad guy, but at this point there still is no specific bad guy and so i get to hear all about how bad the bad guy, who is me, is. beh. public forums suck sometimes.

i woke up really late today which was nice, because i'm kind of at one of those times where the less time in my head the better, and i talked to my dad and we decided to see my grandma on a different day (he went off his new antidepressants today and didn't feel like going). and then i piddled around listening to the mixtape i made that i am obsessed with (it's got a geography theme, if you want a copy, i'll make you one) and showering and not wanting to put on clothes. and then right at the same time jennifer connelly imed me and michael called, so i went to campus to go lay out in the sun and interview prospective roommates. i was the dorky loud one with all kinds of questions and weird stories ("we're interviewing you to make sure you don't hit your kid. i mean, i know you don't have a kid, but you know how in movies, they always interview all those insane people. we also want to make sure you don't sing bad." "as i was walking over here, i had this image of myself shouting like a drill sargeant, 'you drink the last of the water in the brita pitcher. WHAT DO YOU DO!?'"), but we wound up only being able to interview one person. she seems sweet and everything, but this nagging feeling of unrightness that's everywhere in my life right now is there about her. there's nothing wrong, and i feel like i could definitely live with her with no problems, but i'm hoping for something slightly more satisfactory.

yeah, i'm really nitpicky about things lately, both in myself and in my surroundings, but in this way where i just have this vague feeling of offness, but can't at all pinpoint what it is.

anyway, after she left, we swam and had a fun time and made plans to meet later to go shopping. i was craving a publix sub so that was exciting. and then i had dance rehearsal, and i'm so very excited about that dance. it's going to rock so hard, and today i actually felt with it and like i could do things without looking absurd so that was nice. it was good to see michael and see how her eye is and stuff. we haven't played in so long!

and then in the little 20 minute block between rehearsal and shopping we went to the 1st court family dinner where i got the perfect hug from james, and vented to her for a little bit. she and jennifer connelly know about things because they were sort of "there" for parts of it. i helped james a little with the lettuce and had some strawberries, and then hugged people goodbye and went grocery shopping. i bought more food than i really should have, because it's all so exciting looking. i got my publix sub, but they had to make it on a hoagie roll and i got really nauseated halfway through and i still feel pretty gross from that. i don't understand why my tummy is so disturbed lately. and it will tolerate the strangest things, and then suddenly i'll just feel crummy.

i feel like writing and writing, like somehow i'll find that spot that feels wrong and be able to extract it with my words. but the more i look the farther away i get from whatever it is.

beh. i feel so random and wrong. but at least, as i said, i know cool people, who are sympathetic with the confusion. and that means a whole lot to me right now. yay for all of you!

you know what it feels like? do you remember that shel silverstein poem about the unitchable spot? i feel like i have one of those in my psyche right now.

*listening to: *
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