*do the limbo rock. 2002-01-04 11:07 p.m.*

i hate being sick soooo much! i hate the coldness and the hotness and the blearyness and the ooziness and just the general yuck. and working sick is just horrible. i don't know if it was good or bad that i got very few answers today, but it was sure boring, and it gave me too much time to think. i was calling greenville and tampa, both places, people that had not answered their phone 11-14 times already. bah! i did 3 surveys all night and 2 of them were with people over 80. but i am proud that i got through them, but they were rough.

but the thinking... it's a bad scene. it goes something along the lines of:

i don't want to do my thesis. really really a whole lot don't want to do it. i really want to go away. far away. i'm bored. life is inherently boring. i'm sick of it. no, that's bad. i feel like it has to have been interesting at some point, so i'll give it awhile longer. life? yeah. how kind of you. but yeah... i want to leave. well, i've been a pretty sucky student, why don't i just leave. i don't really actually deserve to graduate, i don't think. i mean, what does it really say? it says that i've learned shit. well, yeah, but i would have learned shit out of here. and i don't really want to learn this paper writing shit. what would i do outside of here that would be more fulfilling? well, nothing for awhile, really. i might as well stay. i just really don't want to. i won't cry about it though. i won't i won't i won't.... okay, let's think about something else. sex! no, wait, that's bad, it's going to make me want to cry again. um... that movie was good. i mean, there was that one part that made me have to cover my face and whimper, but in general, it was enjoyable. maybe i will get it on video. i wonder if i could work here forever and watch videos for the rest of the day. but then i'd be like that creepy guy who didn't graduate new college, but has been in sarasota 10 years after he left. without the bad breath. wait. oh yeah, my breath's okay. i really need to wash this shirt though. i'm such a slob. i should just drop out. that would be good. but the only way i'd be satisfied with that i think is if i'd do something worthwhile. like my thesis is worthwhile? well... i mean, i've never driven, i stopped taking piano lessons after a few weeks, never learned to play the guitar. i'm a failure. i mean, i finished high school, but that was pretty easy. this is not the challenge of it really, it's just the "i'm ready to stop now feeling." i'm just not interesting enough to pull it off really. it'd be too much like something my dad would do. like going to las vegas for 2 weeks without telling anyone he was going. just driving away. he was a sucky father. i'm a lot like him. i wish i was more interesting. but i think in the end everything is pretty much the same and pretty much boring. how did i get like this? i want to go home. i feel like shit.

that's been my basic train of thought for days.

*listening to: *
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