*Mr. Quiroz and the several other students who participated in this protest obviously did not personally approve of the presentation of the Level One Spanish songs. 2002-04-26 11:59 p.m.*

i'm sooo tired. i almost fell asleep at work today, and now my eyes are just tearing in that way where i'm not sure if i'm inexplicably emotionally overwrought or my eyes are just tired. i think it's a mix of the two, both of which having to do with just how tired i am.

i feel sour and bitter and tired and out of sorts tonight in that sort of "go away, i don't want to be around anyone, but why doesn't anyone want to be around me?" sort of way that i get sometimes when i'm tired. it doesn't make sense, and it's frustrating as hell. i should be in bed, but i'm not sure if i would sleep or just curl up in a ball and cry for a long time, so i'm venting here, because that's what i do here. don't read it if you don't want to see whineyness (incidentally, i wrote something in retro's guestbook last night that is similar to what halcyondream wrote in my guestbook which is that guestbooks are the reader's place to vent. and i definitely think it's a worthwhile thing, to have this open forum, with people responding to me. i like that. and i like the fact that i have the ability to reply and defend myself, especially if i think what was said was an attack and if i think that it was made when someone wasn't entirely informed of my opinions or intent. i'm a little upset that you liken what i said to sending girls to retraining camps, because well, i didn't say anything quite like that about boys and while i may have been rejoicing about the fact that i don't have to date boys, i must say that i think it's as much a rejoicing that my taurean stubbornness doesn't have to match up against creatures that i don't understand in order to have a fulfilling love relationship, as anything else. in other words, i'm glad that my hormones are as stubborn as my brain. but i don't think my brain being stubborn is really a good thing.).

but yes, so i'm crying because i have a bugbite on my arm, and i feel out of the six-feet under loop (which is absurd, i know, and just because my work timing is so off, but dammit, i want to watch that show. everyone raves about it so much, and i keep expressing interest, but everyone always watches it at times i can't. which i know isn't a direct thing at me, but wahhhh! i wanna watch it!), and james had some sort of car debacle that concerns me, and that someone signed in with my aolim name somewhere else and what the fuck!?, and the fact that i'm too tired to enjoy anything right now. yes, i'm crying because i'm crying because i'm tired. it's a fun time over here, folks, you should come.

i'm having one of those nights where i feel like my interpersonal skills are completely breaking down, and maybe that's why i keep talking here to prove myself wrong, because as long as i have language, i'm still a social being, right? except that my words keep getting misunderstood or even just passed over and i feel like my brain has gotten so convoluted and weird that no one can get in. or at least that fewer and fewer people can.

though of course, i know it's that end of the semester thing. i've had so many ends of the semester where i find myself surprised that i can still speak english. the end of the semester is affecting me, even though i'm not taking any classes, but it's just very much watching how it's affecting everyone else that is making me stressed out and everything. just soaking in the weird energy or something. everyone's communication skills are breaking down. today, on the drive home, i realized that i probably am slightly depressed. which i mean, i guess is pretty obvious, considering the crappy moods i've been in so much of the time, but there are also some good times, too. it's just one of those times where i wonder if i'm feeding off of people too much. there are very few people i can handle being around right now, and those that i can, i just want to be around all the time. i feel clingy needy and wrong.

hm... i wonder how much of this is really me, and how much of this is the inexplicable tired tears. i should really just go to bed, and not feel miserable about the fact that i'm not in bed. (see, i'm just as ridiculous as the boys i was venting about. as i said in the following entry, i spend a good deal of time talking about how confusing and frustrating women are and how i never want to have to deal with them again.)

oh, yeah, and it's the full moon (i initially wrote fool moon. that, too). no wonder things feel so off. but see look, now that i've vented, i feel so much better. i no longer feel so much like a social imbecile (though this entry may not be a prime example of how to win friends or influence people), i know that some day i will actually watch more than half of an episode of six feet under with friends and that they love me, and that james will be okay, and yeah... life's okay. not great right this exact second, but it's okay.

i'm okay, you're okay.

*listening to: *
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