*and you're shining like the brightest star, a transmission on the midnight radio. 2002-04-27 11:55 a.m.*

ech. feeling gloomy a little still. i woke up feeling okay. well, no, i woke up feeling annoyed because my cat had just bit my nipple and that hurt, and then once i'd pushed her off of the bed and fallen back asleep and woke up and she curled up in my arms, life was a good place to be. so what better way to keep that mood than to go and check my guestbook. and yeah, what a better way to stay cheerful than to reread all the recent negative commentary and try and decide if it's true or not. because that's one of the many issues that i've been turning in my brain lately. some of the things seem just so blatantly ridiculously mean (and misspelled), but i mean, i'm not used to making people that pissed off at me. i'm not used to being called a bigot or a raging bitch or anything like that. people who deal with me on a daily basis don't seem to think that way about me, what in my writing portrays that? i'm really pretty easygoing, and i like to think of myself as a good friend-- i mean, what i was writing about was mainly about how angered i am when people mess with my friends--, i tend to see all sides of an issue, and if i don't immediately see someone else's side, if they tell me about it, i'll generally mull it over. it depresses me so much that i could be considered any of those things. it makes me make all these lavish plans for living alone for the rest of my life and never making people deal with me again, because obviously i'm no good for people to deal with. the ministry is the wrong place for me, because my words get twisted so easily and i hurt people so much.

but you know, that's really untrue. i'm fun to be around, i care about people, i'm not some sort of drain on society. i go out of my way to help people who are in trouble, and get pissed off when bureaucracy or the universe gets in the way of my trying to help. and i am not drowning in self doubt, sadness, or misery. or at least most of the time. last night when i was so sad, it wasn't even that bad. i just needed to process the things that were going on in my head. i like me a whole awful lot. i'm one of my favorite people, even in my absurdities, i like those too. which is why i take these things to heart so much. i'm really just here trying to make myself a better person, because the world and i deserve the best me we can get. and so yeah, you think i'm full of shit? you're full of shit for not getting to know me better and just assuming these things. 'cause no one is full of shit, really. not boys, not me, not anyone. we have our moments, but we're human. and the shit that you're full of is your own creation and choice to be full of shit.

and now i'm feeling so saccharine and sweet, i need to go bathe.

*mwah!*

*listening to: *
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