*john's dream was a diaryland dialogue. 2002-03-14 1:58 p.m.*

there used to be discussion of "diaryland theory" and response entries and all that. usually my responses go into guestbooks, or even real life discussions. but yeah, i thought i'd go for the diary response today.

when i was 7, i was crying because something terrible had happened at school, again, and my mom told me that crying was "for the birds." after trying for a long time to envision birds crying, and why we should leave it to them, i decided that the birds were lucky.

actually, i don't know what i decided, just that it did not stop me from crying.

some of you are sadly familiar with this one face that i make. the "oh, god, it's inappropriate to cry right now, i don't want to cry, i don't want to cry" half-smile. this is usually accompanied by me looking at the floor intently, or pinching the space between my eyes, or going to the bathroom.

part of what frustrates me about the face is that it's as much of a telltale sign as crying would have been, to those who know me at least.

i bet i've cried at least once a week my entire life. and certainly it averages out to more than that. why? my life is not so hard, and i don't think it's even that i always take things harder than other people do, i just think my tear ducts are just so used to letting go that they just do. trying not to cry rarely works, and when it does i get pressure headaches.

i like that i feel things like i do. i think it's a gift to feel joy in my toes and sadness in my stomach. but the amounts of times i've spent crouched in a ball, trying not to cry about tiny little things, is pretty excessive.

but i guess it is the price that one does pay for being able to express joy so well that people expect you to have a wagging tail.

i don't cry at movies really at all. i used to a lot when i was little, and if a movie made me cry it was automatically "my favorite." i guess my life is enough about the cathartic as it is, and i don't need the release of sad movies.

i wish i could touch that place in people, that place that i apparently have wide open for touching. that place that so many people just can't find anymore. i know very few people who can cry. i must be a pain in the ass to them. most people i know who can't cry wish they could, and i wish it wasn't quite so easy. give my excess tears to them. that would be nice.

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