*i won't use words again they don't mean what i meant they don't say what i said they're just the crust of the meaning with realms underneath never touched never stirred never even moved through 2002-03-18 9:52 p.m.*

i'm soooo galdurn tired. i don't know why, but i could go to sleep right now, i think. but i don't want to. though really, why don't i want to? what would i miss in the 5ish hours i would be awake doing very little besides reading or playing around on my computer. why not sleep? but something in me fights against it. i don't know what. i would consider a nap, but i know it would just result in weird interrupted sleep.

michael and i went to barnes and noble for about 4 hours today. she did work and i wandered and read. it was a really cozy time. i'd like to do that more often. they have comfy chairs. then we went to selby library, because the children's section at b&n had me really wanting to read some good slim novels. i went on sort of a binge at the library as i tend to do, and now i have a foot tall stack of books. not all from the young adults section... some from the actual children's section, too. and prodigal summer by barbara kingsolver, because i haven't read that yet. and i went a little crazy with the lois lowry books, but there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

"is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl..."

i was feeling very observant today. one of those days where everything looks so interesting and i fancy myself a writer, because beautiful phrases to describe them float through my head... and then the sleepiness of my house takes over and i curl up in other people's words. i really have nothing to say of worth for this entry, i don't think, but i feel this need to write to keep my brain going. otherwise it might stop.

sometimes sleepiness scares me. i don't have any conscious fear of dying in my sleep, but just a fear of missing something of life. which is funny, because i'm not really doing a whole lot with life when i sit around and play computer games for hours... i used to have this irrational fear of showering in the same way, too, when i was younger. that somehow that was this unpardonable interruption of my day. what if something happened while i was in the shower? maybe that's why i still shower so quickly. but i mean, god, once sleep has me, i never actually want to leave it. why?

"you raise my hopes then you raise the odds you tell me that i dream too much now i'm serving time in disillusionment..."

i was actually thinking about that on the way from b&n to the library. how when i go places, to movies and things, i'm always fascinated by what's going on outside, if the buildings have changed while i was in this manufactured airconditioned environment. but i don't think i'm like that when i've been in my home. what does it all mean?

who is this girl inside my head? i think i'm so much more fascinated by that than other people. like maybe other people are more familiar with themselves than me. but, i will find myself doing and thinking the most random things. i feel so disconnected from myself sometimes, like this is not actually me. other people make so much more sense than me.

but they are deeper than i expect, and that understandable exterior covers something as irrational and strange as the self i see everyday.

doesn't it?

was i supposed to give up these thoughts in adolescence? returning to adolescence seems so much more intolerable than returning to childhood, really.

oh yeah, my other "deep thought" which really is not so deep is... well, people say i'm definitely a taurus, and i really don't see that. i feel far to flighty and fluid to see myself as any sort of earth sign, let alone that posterchild for stability, the taurus. i stubbornly stick to the idea that i'm not stubborn, and i find a sense of home in my belief in myself as a nomadic being. but i was thinking about my sexuality, as i tend to do sometimes, and maybe that's sort of a manifestation of it. maybe i stubbornly stick to the familiarity of the feminine. maybe... i don't know. it all made so much more sense inside my head than it does here... and there was a lot less alliteration.

"she slows down has the music gone, or has she stayed too long?"

curl up, cuddle down, and make a home inside my soul.

*listening to: *
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