*and i have yet to mention that i've gotten a job. 2001-12-12 1:01 a.m.*

my kitten just refreshed the page so my whole entry is gone. it was full of musings about my great-grandmother's death and weird emotions and confusion and sad... and now i'm on the phone... and i wish it hadn't been deleted.

i talked about stuff like how i feel this almost desperate need to be in charge of my life, and how i feel out of control in a lot of ways, and how i know it would be better if i just stopped grasping or whatever the hell, but i'm too afraid.

it's like i am holding onto my sad so hard, just to have something to hold onto at night.

another thing i remember saying in the entry was about how i just want someone to crawl into my brain and sort out my shit for me. like i feel like i could surrender if i knew someone would do it for me. i need a vacation from me for awhile.

i wonder what i try and burrow towards. or away from. i think it's just towards a general feeling of safety.

james read nick bantock aloud to jennifer connelly and me today. griffin and sabine mixes up my emotions. it makes me feel sad first, like a lot of things do right now, and i think about the last time it was read to me, and how everything felt, and how i felt very connected with parts of the story that now kind of makes me want to kick things. but it's a beautiful story, and i was able to get past myself and enjoy it on that level. but it also gave me itchy traveller's feet. i want to be somewhere else. i know it won't solve my problems, but i do. and the references to england, as much as sabine hated it, makes me miss it. i wonder if my problems would be solved by riding the circle line over and over again?

*listening to: *
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