*"it will suprise everyone!" "it will surprise everyone?" "everyone!" 2001-12-11 11:49 a.m.*

so yeah... i've been thinking about sex with boys lately. very odd for me, i'm sure you know. and weird for people who know me to be reading this as well.

it's been on my mind for a lot reasons. it all kind of started with this conversation. you know those conversations where a lot of stuff gets talked about, but for some reason one sentence just sticks in your mind. i think i have too many of those. or those conversations where i totally reinterpret the entire thing based on a certain sentence or a certain look. anyway... yeah, so i was having this conversation with james (i think my ability to hold certain sentences hostage in my brain has been one of the most detrimental things for us, and something i've been doing from the very beginning when she said "speaking as a straight girl"...) and we were talking about this boy and girls chasing this boy, and i said something like, "well, he's a sensitive straight boy at new college. they're kind of a commodity here." and she said that i probably wouldn't be able to understand why he was attractive. now that i put it down into words, i realize that the sentence isn't even really in my brain any more, but the way i interpreted it was. it felt like there was some sort of defect in my way of viewing the world that i was unable to see why this boy was attractive. i wanted to rage out, "i can!" like a stubborn child, except i really couldn't. but i mean, there are boys that i do think are attractive. there have been boys that have made me question my sexuality since coming to new college, and a lot of people from my high school were surprised when i told them i was gay because i was always having crushes on boys. and i think to one degree or another, they were legitimate crushes, just fairly asexual, but not because i wasn't really attracted to them, but because my conception of the sexual took a while to come into fruition. but this particular boy just is not my type of boy physically. perhaps my lesbianism is apparent in that i'm generally attracted to girly boys, and this boy is not girly at all. anyway, ever since that conversation, this has been one of the vicious brain toys i've been playing with.

another thing is that i've seen a lot more penises of late. from naked parties mainly, and then yesterday, i was walking behind 3 naked boys as they casually strode into ham center. and these penises have not disgusted me. and now when i watch movies with sex scenes, i find myself analyzing how i think i would feel if i were the girl, and my general feeling of aversion is not there. though, there's no real desire for that, either, it's just kind of this odd, very neutral feeling.

while at the same time, vaginas have been seeming really really gross to me. whenever i start getting a little bit turned on, i think about my face that close to one, and it turns my stomach. i can't figure out if it's genuine revulsion, or just something too emotionally intense for me to deal with right now. which is completely an option, because that's something that i think about when i think about sex with boys. it doesn't seem half as personal or emotionally involved as sex with girls would be. and sometimes, i think i'd like casual sex, though really it's been kind of more of a pride thing, trying to prove to myself that i can get some, but it has hit me that i can't have casual sex with a girl. which i think is why the imaginary vaginas in my head (oh! that phrase is going to come back and haunt me some day, "the imaginary vaginas in my head") strike me as so off. i don't have the emotion to get emotionally involved with anyone right now, and the idea of something so intense makes me want to hurl. and so i consider the next best option.

i think what saves me from a new jahwhy experience is breasts. i've never been much of a breast girl, when it comes to checking out girls. i like breasts, in sexual experiences, but i think there's nothing that makes someone have a "good set of jugs" as opposed to a bad one, so i just don't think about it too much. but lately, i've been having sort of a breast fixation. ever since that infamous victoria's secret commercial, i've thought about breasts a lot. and how much i enjoy them. and how i think that would be a really big problem in having sex with boys. and i mean, i know there are boys with breasts, and stuff, but girly breasts are the way to go for me.

i think i am incredibly odd in my ability to analyze my sexuality like this. it has gotten me into trouble before, but i don't think you need to worry about me sleeping with some boy anytime soon.

*listening to: *
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