*glooooom. 2002-08-12 12:34 a.m.*

i felt alive for 5 seconds today. i brought 3 cans from my room downstairs to the recycling bin, and it was raining. and i raised my arms to the sky and i felt it. i felt the rain on my face in my hair dripping down my arms and it was actually a good feeling to be alive.

i read this one's letter to the muse, and that's how i feel. after putting out a 44 quarter size page self-indulgent rantlet and watching it get spit out of the copy machine over and over again, my desire to work with words has diminished.

and as a war rages in my uterus and i have a new supply of junk food to fill the empty spots the prospect of anything active at all just doesn't feel worth it.

i reread the chapter i wrote for my thesis tonight, planning to rework some stuff. i fixed one typo. i can think of nothing original to say, not even an expression of the joy i get in reading what he wrote. i can tell you what he wrote, but that's as far as it's going for me today.

the book i'm reading right now is factually interesting and maybe i'm learning from it, but if i set it down mid page, go get a drink of water and come back, i have no recollection of any of these words. but i do want to finish it. this is the second summer in a row i checked this book out from the library. i have 4 days left with it.

do you see that i'm writing here, wandering over the landscape of my days, hoping to stumble upon a spring of inspiration and new words and new thoughts? i am so not read for the semester to start up again, i'm far too pissy to deal with people, i want my own schedule, but really it will be good for me. my brain has completely lost its charm.

i'm waiting for a response, preferably an ecstatic response. it's scary when you just lay out your brain like that. you say "now it's your turn. i'll play solitaire while i wait." and the void that was created by emptying out your brain is strangely filled by the solitaire and it's hard to remember that you were doing this to seek connection. solitaire is all you need. or maybe if they aren't going to respond with their whole soul then you don't want to hear it. because maybe what you're craving is passion.

lately nothing annoys me more than when i tell someone i'm feeling pissy they ask me why. like they expect me to know why i'm pissy. and then i make up answers and convince myself that my life is miserable. because when you're sad and someone asks for a reason for your sad, you can come up with many reasons. but yes, i'm also very annoyed by the sounds of doors opening and closing, my cat's meow, the phone ringing, people not asking the right questions. so who am i to complain really? i certainly can, i just have no real reason to.

i've been making vague travel plans. that's been where my inspiration has been lately. packing and repacking boxes in my head, train stations and sleeper cars, windows and books to read as i go. every day gets closer and closer to the day that i go.

all this dairy is giving me gas. caffeine has been keeping me up till after 6 in the morning for 2 days now. people who don't live here have been filtering through my house to visit my roommates and it only makes my room seem that much more appealing. though all i do is filter through the same 5 websites. livejournal, neopets, another.com, mail.yahoo.com, here. pander boards sometimes. tv.yahoo.com at least once a day.

when you come back from the summer, i don't think i'll want to hug you. please don't be offended if my eyes look suspiciously at you. they're just convinced that we were abandoned here for the summer, though we know it's entirely irrational.

living back on campus will be good for me. after i get over feeling like i'm forced to be around people.

*listening to: *
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