*a request to my friends. 2001-12-09 7:44 p.m.*

please, just hug me all you can before you leave, so i can burrow myself into some kind of safety. and make me laugh and laugh and laugh until i can't breathe and perhaps the joy will carry over. please tell me everything about everything about everything so that i can have stories to tell myself when everyone is away. please play with me so that i don't start vacation on a low not. i have to admit that break can make me pretty anti-me, and i've been there for awhile anyway, it scares me what depths of self-loathing i can reach if i start from where i've been.

please believe me when i tell you that i feel better than i have, and that i'm no longer angry, and laughter no longer sets my teeth on edge. and be superhuman and forgive me for ever letting it set my teeth on edge. please believe me when i say that i'm trying not to write this about anyone in particular, though it seems to be tending that way.

spin with me, walk with me, dance with me, laugh with me, talk with me, share your joys and sorrows with me, sing with me, go to church with me. ah, but see, that's done and it was nice. and hugs and walks and talks and good stuff have happened, too. i am not entirely bereft of companionship.

i'm sorry i'm so hungry for friendsness these days. i'm trying to feel like a valid human being on my own, and it makes me sad that i lost my sense of validity so easily though i don't really know what it was that made it go away. someday, we will meet again in a place where we all feel valid and it will be oh, so good. but until then bear with me.

perhaps these months are only a test of my emergency broadcast system. had this been a real emergency, i would have instructions.

addendum 9:36 pm: she says i can be on the island too. oh, that's good. i need the island.

*listening to: *
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