*and ee o ee o ee o! 2001-12-25 4:52 p.m.*

my kitten just erased my whole entry. bah. it was all emotional and poetic and detail filled, and i don't really want to go through it again, but it was some important stuff...

my dad gave me a ring yesterday. it's pretty ugly. it says "i love you" on it, and i know it was given with the best of intentions, but it's horrible. it makes me feel horrible, too, for not appreciating it. i mean, i do appreciate the love, but it's just really ugly. it made me want to cry. he cried. because he was so glad to have me there. it's good to see him fairly happy on christmas. usually he gets really grumpy and depressed on christmas, but he seemed just so glad to be alive. and so... i do appreciate the ring, it just makes me sad that he spent so much money on something i can't appreciate.

mom and i went to church last night. the church that i went to over the summer. the female minister gave me a big hug, which was nice. and the service made me cry. "silent night" by candlelight, just made me sigh and cry with relief that i'd gotten through everything i'd gotten through. i'm getting misty now just thinking about it.

and then we opened presents and i got a tin of crackers and some shortbread and a framed dragon papercut, and some cordial cherries and an apple candle she'd gotten from a coworker but didn't want, and a cat calendar, and a backpack that she said she'd take if i didn't want, so she gave me money instead because i do <3 my backpack. and then after we'd driven around and looked at lights, i got to open the present that was from santa, which was a troll named tina latwirl, and she's purty. oh, and the kitties gave my girl some crab treats.

we didn't go to bed till 11, which is so unusual for my mom. and i was so tired, but i wound up thinking back over the year and then for some reason waxing poetic over all the relationships i'd ever been in. i was basically composing a diaryland entry about all of them and making metaphors like crazy, but i'll try and make it short. my relationship with j was about finding out that i had wings. m was about learning how not to pull someone down and how not to let them pull you down. a was about safety and comfort but not what i wanted. t was about discovering my sexuality. both that i was gay, and that i was a sexual being at all. with c, i basically made her up, and so of course that couldn't last. and f was again about trying to use someone to heal, like with m. and then what was so good and hard to end about things with r was that there was so much more love and acceptance than i'd ever gotten in a relationship, in that way where i could be so very me and it was okay. and what was hard was believing that it wasn't that there was something wrong with me, but that a relationship just wasn't where she needed to be. so of course, i was up for a long time, just thinking about all those things. and then i was thinking about how in some ways, metaphorically, at least, there was a whole year in the last relationship. the spring newness, the summer heat, the autumn (and it's funny because we even got to spend that week up in real autumn.), and then my two months of winter. and i know it's not remotely springtime, but i definitely have this feeling of hatching lately.

anyway, santa came and filled my stocking with dutch chocolate, and a little cabbage patch kid and maxfield parrish bookmarks and lots of stationery products. and grandpa came over and i got slippers and microwave kettlecorn and a chunk of money, and then we all went out for a chinese buffet, where there was very little noniffy vegetarian stuff, but i still ate enough, and it was nice to be with them. i got to see my great-grandma's obituary, too.

it really was a nice christmas. lots of love this year. as we were pulling out of the driveway for him to take me home, my grandpa said, "your mama is sure full of a lot of love," and i said, "yup. ya did good."

*listening to: *
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