*a candy bar, a falling star, or a reading of doctor seuss. 2002-03-21 12:30 p.m.*

i woke up at 10 this morning. i had just had this absurd dream about a shoe store/funeral home. i knew i had to be there because i knew my great-grandma (who died in december) was going to die any minute now, and i had to be there when she did. and i waited and looked at the shoes and then she died, and suddenly i was in this familial huddle with my mom, grandma, grandpa, aunt, and cousin, and we were crying and crying and then i woke up and i wasn't crying and i couldn't cry, and my chest and stomach felt so cold and empty and i wrapped my blanket around myself and held it to my heart and squinched my eyes shut. i did not want to get out of bed. i did not want to do anything ever. i didn't want to think. i just wanted to stay in that bed forever with my sad, though it hurt so much and i just wanted it to go away. i looked at the clock and hour later, but i still didn't want to get up. i eventually fell back to sleep, and this time i dreamed that a bunch of my friends were going out to thai food, and i remembered that my great-grandma was going to be there, so i went over to her table and talked to her and i was surprised that she recognized me, but her eyes lit up when she saw me, and she said i shouldn't worry about her being okay but i should visit her more. and then i had my dinner and we left, and i noticed we were behind boomer's car, so we waved at him, and then we got back to campus, where r#1 was crying because she had to break up with catnipboy, because even though they loved each other, they "didn't know each other, and never would."

beh, terrible terrible dreams. when i woke up from that one, which was half an hour long at the longest, i got up to pee, and then decided that bed was not my wisest decision, and now i am here. but my heart still feels so cold, in that giving up sad feeling it has sometimes.

my face and body are oddly colored today, in a sort of splotchy post sunburn tan. last night i got a wonderful massage from michael. i hope retro and bug also had wonderful massages. i always have recommendation anxiety, though it was really michael that pushed for them to get massages.

i really want to go back to bed with my blanket. but i don't think that will actually make the sad stop.

*listening to: *
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