*my new be fris. (nobody has to be the st end.) 2002-02-24 5:06 a.m.*

tonight was odd. good, certainly, but odd. i felt a little off, in that way where i knew i should have been more entertaining and looser and all kinds of things, but the alcohol just wasn't hitting me so much. sure i fell off the couch, but i've done that while sober. i did let out a pretty intense laugh there, but i dunno. not quite feeling the way i'd hoped. which i guess concerns me a little. that i feel like i wasn't "drunk enough." i certainly had a lot to drink, but the drinks we made were so sweet that it was hard to drink them very fast at all. and i mean it's not like i had a bad time, i was just feeling inordinately self-conscious.

i definitely enjoyed the drinking company. i feel like in some ways i wish it hadn't been a film thing, where we could have just chatted more or something. i enjoy those things. i definitely like film festivals, too, though, but it was a fun, funky group of people that had a fun time chatting. social interactions are such an odd thing, really. the way they are contrived and what is deemed successful and all that.

i felt bad that retrocarp and tra showed up after the half and half had been drunk and got the extra-foamy versions of the naked shakes (now that sounds interesting). i looked at retrocarps glass after she left and the side where it had tilted when she drank from it was a little disturbing with it's slightly curdledness. this is why the pretty pink and blue drinks were the way to go. though they weren't too high in the alcohol content apparently. mud even made me a drink that was supposed to make me really drunk without tasting like alcohol, and i finished that over an hour ago and am still waiting for it to hit.

i think my body kind of gets a little stubborn about alcohol. both if i really don't want to get drink and if i really do, i don't really get drunk much at all. if i let myself go it would be fun times, but instead i wind up obsessing too much.

it's that time in my new college year where i want to expand my social horizons and hang out with all kinds of wonderful people that i never really hung out with before. this is why i think i've been such a retrocarp stalker. there has also been blackbird and dykessent stalking attempts that have not gone so well, which makes my stalking of retrocarp seem even more apparent, though it's not stalking i swear! and it was super fun to hang out with tra. way glad to be getting to know her better these days.

but then i don't feel quite as socially expansive as i have in the past. like i have definitely been neglecting #1 and oilly and boomer and laurel tree and weird elf and that makes me sad. i just want to have a big 4 winds party or a fun, no crisis, group therapy session. i think things always do feel sort of socially weird these first few weeks and i hope i can give everyone equal time soon.

but for now i am sleepy and so i will go to bed. there are so many things i need to get sorted soon anyway-- on campus job, counselling, queer ball-ness, all those new busy-nesses that i'm willingly taking on. and of course, trying to imagine life again where i work 20 hours a week and don't get sent early all the time.

*listening to: *
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