*"any name that ends with an s, you put an apostrophe at the end, without an extra s." ~james 2001-07-01 2:15 p.m.*

blah blah blah...

been staring at a computer screen too long. it's good that i recognize that, i think, because it's been a considerably shorter time than i am wont to spend in front of a computer when i am at home, but already it is wearing on me. i should remember this and read more books.

um... or maybe i should recognize the fact that my eyes are tired and sore, and my muscles feel gooey and all that stuff because i've been crying and/or i have my period and/or i have pms.

we visited kitten dispenser 2 days ago, which was nice but emotionally draining for a variety of reasons, the least of which was the fact that my ex-girlfriend lives next door. but it was good. i enjoy tallahassee, and it was really good to see kitten dispenser, and her sister (my ex-girlfriend's girlfriend) visited some, too, and i do like her. but our night there was fraught (why am i speaking like this today) with me staring up at the ceiling and crying a lot about the horribleness of life, or something, and so neither james nor i got a whole lot of sleep.

so after the 3 hour drive back to jacksonville, we took a very good nap, and then, of course had sex. an hour or so ish later i went to the bathroom and my toilet paper was vaguely bloody. but not in entirely pre-period way, but also not entirely not in a pre-period way. i still cannot figure things out. sometimes it's there sometimes it's not. part of me is wondering if i was scraped or if i dunno, if i'm really really not a virgin now or something like that, or what's going on. because it's pretty early, and i'm emoting like a madfiend in the way that i do a week before my period starts, so who knows.

but yeah, i had a crying jag today, but i think it was good, because it got me to talk about things that bother me, particularly my inability to tell people things that i want. simple things like please hold my hand right now can be ridiculously hard to express. i know it's ridiculous but there is this part of me convinced that people with either beat me or think i'm being completely rude if i tell them what i want. how i got so chewed up, i don't know. but that is not the worst part. the worst part is that i get myself into my famous, patented vicious cycles where i just scold myself and cry and get bitter about things and it just gets bad. but i talked to james about all this, and she held me which was oh so nice, and we laughed at how silly i am, and i think things will be okay. i feel less incredibly inept at life. after we talked i went to the bathroom, and i came out and said, "you know people don't believe me when i say i'm shy, but this is how i am shy," and she said, "you are super shy." yes. super shy to the rescue. i think super shy needs a theme song, or at least a cape. but will my symbol be half so cool as the super queer symbol.

all in all it has been a good trip, and i am frequently saying to myself, "i have the best girlfriend, ever," and i've been smiling a whole awful lot. of course i keep an eye on the time though, and that's bad and only makes me sadder than i need to be. but yeah, it's good. and now i am off to make shortbread for the stuffed shells dinner tonight with james' friends.

*listening to: *
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