*but on a happy note, someone ate my pussy. seriously. not literally, but seriously. 2003-03-18 5:07 a.m.*

i'm fighting off a wretched funk these days. there are battles within and without and each side is raging and neither side is winning and i just want to lay down until it is over. but apathy scares the hell out of me. there is no such thing as neutral ground. if i am not actively contributing, i am part of the problem. i am consuming, just like those gas-guzzling s.u.v.'s are consuming, and i guess that's just part of being human, but i think so much of it is part of being an american and being utterly blind to the cost of living.

i just wrote a post over at livejournal about another war, an internal one, the one that has to do with me forgiving my father for dying, and forgiving myself for not appreciating every moment, and for taking shamelessly from him, the few times he had resources to give. and about how the largest thing he ever gave me was not this guitar i can't play or this bike that's rusting on the rack, but this cycle of guilt that he had mastered so well.

and hours ago, i wrote about the battle i keep more secret than i should if i'm fighting it for more than myself which, somewhere, i believe that i am. and that's the "iamnotagirl" battle. i have yet to convince even myself to use alternative pronouns wholeheartedly. i love this one girl who i know online and i dearly wish i knew her in real life because she got the gender thing right away, and now talks to me about her friends: "have i told you about jasmine? yeah. he's really cool. her cat's name is secret." she did that on her own and it makes me want to cry in the amount of understanding that comes with that. there's a website i just added my profile to. and when you sign up, you have to give them a gender, and it has to be male or female. and then you find people you already know and connect to them as friends and then you can give your friends testimonials. and the third testimonial i got talked about how i'm an interesting woman. and it was the sweetest most complimentary thing in the world, but i just stared at it. and i closed the window and i walked away. and then i came and looked at it again later. and i closed it and left. and it wasn't until sometime the next day when i clicked "approve" as opposed to "reject," and then i went back to the profile page and clicked "male." so i've got this beautiful page that says that i am male, and right underneath that it talks about me being a rad woman. two other people use "she" as well. and it's how i'm being brave, but i doubt anyone will pick up on it. and i won't meet any lesbians that way.

and while i'm fighting the battle to be brave, i'm also fighting the battle of why. what makes me so much notagirl that body starts to itch when people call me one? why is it that hard to hear people say? i read these things for feminist ethics and it all sounds like me. these woman things they sound like me. these man things they sound like not me. and yet, i still believe that i am notagirl. but i can no longer explain it. and explaining things is so important to my truths. i'm so close to giving up every day. just saying "fuck it. you're right. there are 2 of us. and i'm on the girl side, because that is what i was assigned with the day i was born. i will now wear pink for the rest of my life." and then i think for awhile the pendulum shifts and i am screaming, "fuck it! you're right! there are 2 of us! and i'm on the boy side, because i'm sure as hell not a girl, and boy is my only other option. i will now wear blue for the rest of my life." i'm seriously considering requesting "he"s for awhile, just so that there is some recognition of just how important this is to me. i've had to deal with the nontruth of "she" for 22 years, shifting to another nontruth would be bloody refreshing.

faith is accepting the things we cannot explain. i claim paradox.

*listening to: "anna begins" - counting crows*
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