*the life you save may be your own. 2003-03-24 2:51 a.m.*

i watched this war coming feeling absolutely frozen on the inside. everything i did seemed to contribute to it, somehow. i couldn't find a single action that didn't feed my own apathy, other people's apathy, or the "need" for oil that seems to be fueling this horrible thing.

and then it actually started and something broke. i spent more hours crying than anyone realized. i went and protested because it felt like something i could do, rather than sitting and fretting about what there is to do.

and then i came home and cried some more. and i cried myself to sleep and i woke up crying. and i tried to watch a movie that i loved the other time i watched it, but the explosions were too close to what i knew other people were actually experiencing as we watched, and the heroine reminded me of everything i'm not. and i got so sad. the way we watch these movies and read these books and make this art about these hardcore people who don't take shit. and then the government walks all over us and we feel helpless. but if all of us moviestar heroes and heroines got up and fought like we admire in these movies so much...

i'm so afraid of the way "subversive" "shocking" art lulls us. everybody's working to inspire other people to action, but the people who should be inspired just get excited that someone is saying these things. understanding that something's fucked up is supposed to be enough to fight it.

but it's not.

and this is not my war, and i don't want innocent people to die for my inalienable right to late night trips to perkins. and it scares me that we're killing these people in order to free them and it scares me that we're cutting our own freedoms into pieces in order to stay "free." and i don't know what bush means by freedom, but it doesn't sound like freedom to me, and i don't want to be one of those people who stood by while hitler killed so many people.

and these thoughts churn over and over in my head. and so do thoughts that i'm really ignorant and naive and don't understand what's going on, because so many people wouldn't fall for something that seems so farcical if it wasn't true, right? and there's the gender stuff, always the gender stuff. and there's just all this stuff going on in my head and i couldn't eat because it was all going to come up.

and finally after losing consciousness to avoid the movie explosions i ran away and sobbed and sobbed and sounded like a baby and had to curl up with my head on the toilet hacking up snot and bile. i only stopped because my roommates came back and they were having too good a night for my self-doubts to ruin.

and somewhere in there i really realized that this was getting me nowhere. i was really going to kill myself if i couldn't find some purpose to my life. because by that point all i felt like i was doing was taking.

maybe i am, i don't know. americans seem like a virus on this planet and i feel like i'm just a little less reluctant than most to be a part of that.

but now i'm trying. i've given up on berating myself for not actually physically stopping the war with my own badass comments and wicked body. i'm just going to keep going, doing the best i can. but when i say "the best i can" i still worry it's just for survival.

i'm wearing black now. i don't know how long that will be, but it's my own way of showing that i'm mourning the lives of all people lost in this ridiculous thing. i'm mourning the loss of my belief in this country and i'm mourning the loss of my sense of security which has been replaced by this feeling that the leader of my country is just as bad as the person he is fighting.

this is what i'm doing. it's how my heart feels. i don't say that anyone else has to do it. in fact, if everyone was going around in black, the world would be far too bleak. i think that spreading joy is a responsibility, and even though my heart is broken right now, it doesn't keep me from making jokes and spreading light with something other than colorful clothing.

but i'm spreading the colorful clothing. i've sorted it all out-- i did 6 loads of laundry today, cleaning all my clothes and the stuff i'm planning on selling, and i'm in the process of taking pictures. i'm going to sell most of my happy cheery clothes (and the stuff that doesn't sell will got to a local charity shop), and i'm going to send the money to what i dub in my head as "an anti-war charity." it's actually probably going to be more of a pro-peace charity-- stuff that gives relief to those who are affected by this, that kind of thing.

there's some symbolic action there, there's some more proactive stuff, too... there's sacrifice, there's an attempt to fight my own consumerism... there's still an attempt to keep myself busy to keep my brain from exploding, and it's not ALL i can do. but this is so not black and white that i need to sit for awhile and figure out what i can do that i truly believe in. something that will create change, but necessary, good change.

i know i'm an idealist. but if i don't keep these beliefs and these actions i will lose all will to live. i'm still not entirely sure my life is worth keeping around, but if i keep going, i forget about those worries for awhile.

*listening to: *
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