*you don't have to win and there's no need to fight. 2003-03-01 4:53 a.m.*

i've had alcohol 3 times in the past week. well, last friday, tuesday, and then again tonight, a friday. the first two times were much of the drunken revelry, giggling at silly lounge lizard men who oggled my breasts, pseudo-coyly digging for confessions, bravely kissing a hot girl's cheek on a dare, having perkins waitresses humor my friends and me... all kinds of fun and games and laughter... and then tonight, it was different. it wasn't bad, just disconnected. i felt like the more i drank, the less unified i was, the more scattered. trying to form lucid sentences and having to claw through my brain to find the right words, discovering i'd chosen the wrong consonants after the newly coined words were out of my mouth. i wasn't even drunk, i don't think, but the alcohol separated me, and i'm not entirely sure if i didn't accidentally abandon bits of me out at the wall. did they escape for the 30 seconds i actually tried to dance? did it escape into the mouth of the girl i pine over on a purely physical level, who initiated a kiss with more open mouthness than i expected, leading me to a place where i stood foolishly as if expecting more, but really surprised at the extent of what i got? is she on guapo's cheek? did he run out as i discussed the possibility of late night food options, fleeing in terror at the concept of yet another perkins night? are they all now dancing around, holding hands, mocking me, attempting to create a dopelganger with all their little bits and scraps of my self? am i now unable to sleep for missing the bits of myself that wandered off? who knows? i should really just try and sleep and stop trying to wax poetic about a rather unremarkable night...

*listening to: supertramp*
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