*it must be something that i did. 2003-03-03 2:11 a.m.*

i don't know how in depth i will be able to stand to get in this entry...

if i were to describe myself in two words these days, the words i would choose would be petty and weak.

my concerns these days are petty, selfish and small. i feel satisfied when my snarky comments are justified by other people, but then i turn around and express confusion at the snarkiness of those around me. i feel lonely and antisocial at the same time and i want to shove everyone i know away from me, and then find someone new and eat their soul (fuckin' pronouns. fuckin' dang-blasted assface pronouns. you have no idea. even if you think you do.).

i used to think what i did was enough. i used to think i was trying. but lately i feel like i gave up long ago, and this recognition has made my small little efforts peter out. it's not enough it will never be enough nothing is ever enough. sometimes i think the only thing that would be enough would be a mass killing including myself, just so that we'd stop consuming the earth so voraciously.

usually when i get hard on myself it's about small things, like not being friendly enough to a specific person at a specific time. but these days, these weeks, it's been about watching the world deconstruct and doing nothing, not even being strong enough to revolt against the chains that bind me let alone anyone else.

i feel so trapped.

*listening to: "stool boom" ~ waiting for guffman*
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