*And the rumour is you never go with boys and you are tight 2002-09-09 12:14 p.m.*

la la la.

so, i did not sleep much last night. i was going to go to bed around 2, and then james came back and we talked for a long time, and she went to use the computer and the boi came online, and after calling me a twerp she relinquished the computer back to me. she stood by my shoulder for awhile, insisting on monitoring the conversation and then left. and he and i talked till 4. and well, apparently i'm a bad lesbian. if you knew all the circumstances of this, maybe you would think it was okay, but i feel weird saying these things here.

okay, fine. the boy is trans. i've been thinking a lot about transness and how it relates to my own sexuality, and how i think transboys are fucking hot, but what does that say about me as a lesbian, my respect for their decision to identify as a boy, and the general fetishization of trans boys that's happening lately. i don't want to do the fetishization thing.

but yeah, so now that this has happened, it won't stay in the realm of theory for me, and what's ethical and what's not. it's in the realm of, "he's just hot!" and all the rest of it, all the rest of my drama as it relates to this boy, i just don't care. i yelled that from my balcony last night. "i don't care!" i like this thing. it will be short, and that's cool. of course there is the other crush torture, but you know what, i'm just going to be be a part of this right now. or try.

another thing, though... that i have been thinking about is my own gender whatever. i mean, i think about that all the time, and lately, i've been generally really uncomfortable about being referred to as a girl. by just about anyone. i even decided not to be in buttercup's dance because i wasn't feeling girl enough for it. girl drag is so much draggier than anything these days.

but the boy says i am "one fine lady" and a cute girl and stuff, and i'm okay with that from him. i like playing girl to his boy. it weirded me the fuck out when there was door opening for me (i actually said, "since when am i the girl?"), but in general it's fun to play the girl. but... i'm just playing. it's like playing a game with rules i don't quite understand, but which strike me as entirely hilarious and fun right now.

but it's not such a game for him.

*listening to: *
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